Segregation

This is everywhere, age segregation in school, gender segregation in bathrooms, I can't be bothered to think of more. Some of these are good things (like public bathrooms) some could be argued either way (like school), however the one I will have a rant about today is clothes.

When one goes shopping for clothes at a large shops like Target or Big W, the clothes are segregated by fat and thin people. If you are size 16 or lower, you may not have realized this but the 18+ clothes are in a section all by themselves. It is like saying to people "Fat people are over here, they need fat people clothes." Now I am aware that this is probably not the intent, but that is how it feels.

When looking around in the "Fat People Section" compared to the "skinny People Section" You notice a definite change in style as well. I am very aware that clothes that look good on skinny people do not look good on fat people, but that is for the person to decide. To be totally honest some clothes don't even look that attractive on thin people.

When one shops in an actual clothes store, the whole shop is either skinny or fat. The clothing options and even underwear options open to you is completely different and further labels you as fat or thin.

Under estimating Gods word

When people talk about growth in a church, we often mean numbers rather than individual maturity. This is the ladder leading to the slippery-dip of disaster.

Youth group is an excellent example if this slippery-dip of disaster. What happens is there are a few teens at a church so somebody begins a youth group in there lounge room. It is a bible study group with questions aimed at a teenage level (which is not all that different from a grown up level if we are honest) Then God blesses the group and it grows in numbers and spiritual maturity in its members. After a few years it is too big for a lounge room and anyway the original youth group leaders had a baby, so we move to the church hall. This opens up to many benefits like room to split age groups for bible study and room to run games attractive to teenage boys, lets face it, most girls. Then the group grows quickly as kids invite friends and they enjoy the games, more leaders are recruited and bible study and games is the thing. Then we realize that about 1/2 the time we have with the kids is game time so we should make the games reinforce the main point of the bible study. Then we notice that yr7 boys don't like sitting down for bible study so we make it easier and quicker with a little 5 minute bible talk at the beginning, but it is ok because of the useful games we are playing. Then we drop bible study all together and just have a short talk and a bible related game and other, more fun games. Then it is hard to think up bible related games so we drop them. All the older kids have left because it is too energetic and young, the group of kids has grown too big and out of control, the talk is a thing to be endured before the real stuff begins and the leaders all lose momentum and purpose and don't want to do it any more.

Did you see where the top of the slippery dip was? It was when we moved to the church hall. Suddenly more mature and less mature kids are separated for the bible study, this means that, like in school, older kids can't teach younger kids, and younger kids can't learn from older kids. Also there is suddenly a possibility for cool games, this is not a bad thing but it is the top of the slide that looks fun till you realize there is a puddle of pig muck at the bottom. Games are not bad until you confuse them with bible/learning and until you confuse numbers growth with spiritual growth.

The best youth group leader I ever learnt from as a leader was working with a group in a school hall. Every week he said bible study and God was why we were here and if the kids didn't respect that, they could leave. We did bible study and then we had food and then a game. God blessed this group and in spite of the best efforts of this leader to get rid of kids, it grew in numbers. He didn't mind that, he just wanted people to be there for the right reason. He didn't confuse growth in numbers with spiritual growth and he didn't confuse learning about God with games. He had bible time and game time separate.

I am sure that had we not had games at all, while the group may not have been as big, it would still have grown because God's word has a power of its own and if it is taught faithfully then God will do the rest.

Question time

When we planted our church in Maitland, the first and planting pastor used to have question time after every sermon. Occasionally time restraints would prevent this but it was pretty much an expected and accepted thing. There are good and bad bits about question time at church however the good definitely outweighs the bad.

The bad bits can be it makes a long sermon longer (not a problem if it interesting) or worse you can have a second mini sermon from the congregation instead of a question. This was a big problem at this stage of the church and the pastor became pretty skillful at heading it off early. Those are the only two downers that I can see for having questions on a sermon.

The bonuses are big though. Firstly in order to ask a question, one needs to listen to the whole sermon to make sure it is an intelligent question and wasn't answered during the sermon. Secondly it makes the members of the congregation think about the bible themselves instead of taking the pastors word for it. Thirdly it means that the pastor needs to put in a lot of preparation time so he can answer the questions. Fourthly it keeps him honest because there will always be somebody who says "I noticed you skipped over this bit, could you just explain that?" Or "I was a bit confused when you said this, could you explain what you meant about this verse?"

It can be a stressful thing for a preacher to do but I think it is definitely worth it and would encourage all church leaders to take this line, even if it means that it makes church goes past the designated time (perhaps we cab drop a song or just finish a bit late).

Yay for home

I have been looking forward to certain things about arriving home. Some of it being seeing people I haven't seen for a long time, but most of it is doing things I haven't done for a long time.

I have lain on mums bed under a fan, I have gone to a 50m pool and swam laps (not many), today I went to the beach with my brother and sister and on Thursday I will go and get a milkshake from the blood bank (you get them for free if you give blood).

The pool is novel, usually where I have lived for the last 2 years the pool is 25m which means that if your kick off is say 8m then you only have like 8 strokes or 10 before you turn and kick off again. That makes a km of swimming easier then in a 50m pool.

The beach, I live right near a beach in WA however, as mentioned in an earlier blog, the waves are not very dramatic. they have been known to wet your ankles. I have seen it so flat there that the only waves were the ripples made by kids splashing around. In contrast the beach today was rough and big and constant. It was worse then I would normally swim in and we had to go quite a long way out to get past the breakers. Once we did though it was worth it. You would go rushing up a wall of water and then fall down the 2m drop on the other side. Sometimes, with a kick or push off the ground it felt like I got air time. I was quite out of practice and there was a certain amount of flapping and floundering after some of the biggest waves.

On Thursday I am going to donate plasma, which is like donating blood but takes longer so take a book. There are a few reasons I do this but the biggest one is the free milk shake we get afterwards. This means that when no milkshake is forthcoming I get a little bit put out.

I would also like to go to the barrington tops, the blue mountains (summer school) and beach mission (without a beach)

Bluey the car is BACK

Bluey, as I may have mentioned, is not named for his colour, he is named after a particularly slow starting horse. This last term I became reacquainted with Bluey and his interesting differences. One additional interesting difference to other cars I have driven is the screeching when going round roundabouts. This is the "speeding round corners too fast and doing donuts" kind of screech. Before you get excited, no I am not going abnormally fast all of a sudden. I was suspecting that maybe it was the fault of old tyre or tyres.
Today my freind told me that my car had a flat tyre, I went to investigate and I think this has explained the squeaking problem. The tyre now known as Mr Squeaky has lived its last legs and, having served the car faithfully for many years, will go on to better things... probably in the local creek with all the others.

Puppies... again

It seems my lot in life to end up with families who think it is a fantastic idea to get a puppy. Interestingly the reasons they are employing me is because they are busy... Anyway the last 2 years both families have acquired a puppy. Last year I was excited and looking forward to a puppy, being inexperienced in the area of raising a puppy. She was hilarious and I got to train her because I was home alone most. I taught her to my commands and she would do things for me and the kids if I told them what to say. She was a chocolate labrador and there are plenty of posts about her during 2011.

This year, the prospect of getting a puppy was far less attractive to me. I can't say no though because it is not my dog, my house or my family. Also I don't mind having a dog it is just that I could clearly remember the whining, weeing, chewing stealing speedy creative and naughty beast we had last year. Also puppies are interesting for the first week or two and then there is 2 or more years of annoying, energetic dog that the novelty has worn off. Already the puppy is being ignored and finding creative things to do to entertain herself, digging, chewing, all the other stuff that they do.
Today we took her to the BMX track with the kids and bikes. She learnt things like Puddles can be Deep, and Running Into Bikes is Not a Good Idea. She slipped off a rock and landed head first in a puddle, she ran about like a lunatic (not chasing, just running), and she practiced coming when called.

I have now moved out to another place so I am not a live in nanny any more. I now get to go to work and come home. My lovely flatmate has also apparently been thinking of getting not one but TWO puppies next year. I am coming back here next year so here it is, my lot in life to live with people who acquire puppies. I am going home for the summer so I say to my flatmate "the 20th of December would be the ideal time to get puppies, that way they can be toilet trained before I get back." She reckons the end of January, just before I get back would be better so I can help train them.

So stay tuned for more puppy related posts :)

The merits of different dog balls

We have two different kinds of balls for Millie to fetch. The yellow, heavy indestructible ball for the park and the common tennis ball for the beach. Now the reason for the Yellow Ball (capitals are deserved here) is obviously to prevent her from going through multiple tennis balls a week. The reason for the tennis balls on top of this I found out the hard way.

When one goes to the beach, the ball often ends up in the water, tennis balls float, hockey balls float, golf balls float, ping pong balls float (obviously) so I was wondering if this one did. I figured it possibly didn't because otherwise there would be no need for tennis balls unless there was a different, less obvious reason like we don't want to lose an expensive ball.

I did not and still have not taken the ball to the beach, it turns out I didn't need to. I was at the park chucking the ball for the dog when she suddenly took the ball for a walk into the ditch. Due to the recent rain we had there was a deep and above all stinky puddle in there. Instead of keeping hold of the ball, the idiot dog dropped the ball into the big, stinky puddle then stirred up the silt around it. I tried to get her to get it but she couldn't see it and so didn't get it. I poked around with my ball throwing stick in the hope that I might magically catch it and bring it up. In the process of the dog and I searching for the ball more silt was stink was stirred up. In the end I rolled up my pants and had to paddle around in the deep, extremely stinky puddle to find it. It was revolting.

Now we know the reason why the yellow ball does not go to the beach or in fact near a body of water deeper the an inch.

Pet sitting

I am Currently needing to baby sit two cats and a dog. This involves the usual remembering to feed and water them, cleaning up the back yard and taking the dog for ideally 2 walks a day. This started of famously with one of the cats vomiting all over the floor when I got home the first day. The dog routine has been going well though I have had to get creative about the afternoon walk since I work in the afternoon and any time before 5 is too hot for her to enjoy a walk. We have been going to the beach a bit and the kids have joined in the exercising of the dog. 

I say it is too hot before 5pm however current weather is making a lie of this. It has been horrible weather today and yesterday, cold, windy and sporadically heavy rain. Today I went to the beach with the dog to throw the ball. We had the whole beach to ourselves for a very good reason, nobody else was mental enough to be out in such revolting weather. The wind was so strong it shoved you along like a hired goon, then on the way back into it you had to lean forward and shove into it. Throwing the ball with the wind was a good plan, it traveled twice the distance of a normal throw and the dog had difficulty finding it. I didn't throw the ball into the wind because I suspected it may end up hitting me in the face. So this is November and 2 more days till summer.

Last night I went to bible study (like I do) and got home (as expected) to find a lovely gift (not wanted or expected) all over the floor from a cat. Somebody had returned dinner all over the floor in a revolting puddle. Surprisingly I was not thrilled about cleaning it all up. 

I got them back today though by brushing them while they were eating their minuscule serving of dinner tonight. They were lucky to get any but they were hovering so hopefully. 

Also one of the cats has developed a habit of coming in to my room in the wee small hours to rearrange my things (she seems to think they work better all over the floor) and then to lie on my back/tummy/side and go to sleep before launching suddenly out the door with a tremendous kick just when I have forgotten she is there.

Fantastic dog

Millie is a staffy who has a strong need to fetch and return a ball. This makes exercising a very pleasurable experience. If you have the time, you can walk to the beach with the dog and a ball and a ball stick (best dog toy ever) and walk along the beach and back again with her. She is off the lead and focused entirely on the ball the whole time. You throw the ball and walk in the opposite direction. She runs, collects it and runs to catch up, drops it and you throw it behind you again. This means she runs each stretch of beach 6 or 8 times. The ball thrower gives you a big throw and you don't need to bend over or touch a wet, sandy, slobbery ball. For variety you can throw it a short way into the water, this cools her down and gives her another dose of energy.
This morning we walking to the beach and after walking along the beach twice I stood and threw the ball for a further 20 minutes before walking home. She ran non stop for an hour. and still had the energy to pull a bit on the way home. When we got home though, she was so tired she was dawdling along beside me. It takes a lot to tire out a staffy so I am impressed.

Bizarre Day

A few weeks back, just after I had moved into my new place, I was about to go out on a Monday morning, as in literally in the car to drive away, when I saw a man in a yellow, official looking shirt. Like the council workers wear. He asked if I lived here I said yes. He asked if he and his buddies could pull down a section of the fence because they needed to blah blah blah water thingy. I checked to make sure they would not leave an epic mess and then said I would come and help. The man said they would be fine, I said "There is a dog."

So about 20 minutes later I went out with the gorgeous staffy Millie in tow. The poor dog was dragged around town with me. Then at 1130 I had to pick up my little girl from school so I took the dog with me. The kids thought it was fantastic as I found myself in the bizarre position of sitting at school with not my dog, and not my friends dog (I have never met the owner) to pick up not my children. One little boy asked if she was mine, I said no, his eyes opened wide and he said "did you steal it???" Then we had to go to swimming lessons so Millie spent a bit of time tied up in the back yard of the kids house while we went. Then the dog, the child and I came back to my house to chill out and watch beauty and the beast before going to get the boys.
The workmen finished with 5 minutes to spare but I had decided to take Millie anyway and go and visit my friend and their dog after school. My flatmate had a mentally busy day and had to do heaps of stuff, rush home to walk Millie then go back to work again. I texted to say she didn't need to walk the dog because I was taking her for a play with the kids.

As a result of this day, I was behind in what I should have been doing and didn't catch up till Wednesday and my flatmate was ahead of what she had to do and much less stressed.

The other funny thing about that day was on the Sunday, while creating a new garden, we noticed one of the posts had been removed and set aside. These are the posts at the ends of alley paths to stop cars from driving through. So on Sunday a hole was dug and the post dutifully put back in its place. I said that it would be funny as if someone comes along tomorrow and sayd "Good grief, who put that there, we took it down for a reason." Anyway Monday morning and I look and about 6 cars had driven through the newly made garden past the newly removed post so they could fix the water thingy.

Pets

It seems to be my lot in life to end up in houses with pets. I was a bit slow off the mark this year, in a house with only one, fairly boring, cat. Annie is a ragdoll cat who had never quite learnt to sit on a lap. I taught her  that laps are pleasant and desirable to sit on however she seems sadly confused about how to actually get herself from beside the seated human to sleeping on the seated human. Most cats stare at you until you move and make room and then they stomp around making themselves comfortable, sticking a tail in your mouth and finally settling down to sleep. Annie somehow isn't certain about the ownership procedure most cats employ when manipulating their humans. She comes up on the couch next to you and then leans against you and tries to lie down sort of half on your lap and half on the chair. This doesn't work so she swaps to the other side and tries again.

Now I have moved and live with 2 cats and a dog. The 2 cats are sisters and are like chalk and cheese. Pickles owns the house, is self assured and has definite ideas about what she likes and her place in life. She will act like she is condescending to sit on your lap and if you pat her she will leave (sometimes) she doesn't like being picked up, ignored, touched on her tummy, feet, sides, tail or ears.  Chutney, her sister, is much slower to warm up to a new person. This is to the point where some people are dubious about her existence. She skulks and hides and hates changes in routines.
Millie is a black and white staffy. Apparently she used to be completely mental but now, after lots of manners training and 2 walks a day, she is a lovely pleasant easy dog to have. All one needs to do is wear her out with a ball each day and she sleeps.

Lastly there is a new puppy belonging to the family I work for. She is little with sharp teeth and an unerring instinct to mess inside the house mere seconds after coming inside.

This is a bit like last year, 3 cats and 2 dogs at the house last year, one of whom was a puppy, and 3 cats and 2 dogs between the 2 houses I spend a lot of time at here.

Luckily I like animals :)

Small World and Church

Last week, a new person came to church, just passing through. My friend was talking to her afterwards and invited me and her for lunch after church. This new person was a huge encouragement to me being in an identical life situation to me and extremely strong in her following of Jesus and her belief in Jesus saving power. We are both single, working on contentment, doing our best to grow in Godliness and serve God, our brothers and sisters. We are both loud, can sing (she can harmonize) humorous, energetic and talk and laugh lots. We hit it off very quickly and were a bit sad that she couldn't stay more permanently.

On Sunday another young single girl from Hong Kong was introduced to me so I could look after her and welcome her. I did as well as I could and invited her along to bible study and worked out transport for her. We were looking at her map to work out where she lived and the place I work was circled. I couldn't imagine why. It turns out that the kids she cares for is taught piano by my boss.

Long time no see

Sorry for such a long gap, I have had some interesting things to write about but was sadly lacking in internet availability. Since my last post I have been overseas and moved out, energetic yes?

Moving out was a necessary step in my age development and feeling grown up. As a live in nanny it feels a lot like you are a big sister who gets paid huge amounts of pocket money to care for younger children. Meals are provided, rent is paid etc. This does not assist in the feeling of grown-up-ness. Moreover when living at work, you miss the opportunity to go home, work hours are blurred and the family you work for misses their just family time.

I am extremely enjoying moving out and going home after work. My flatmate is funny and interesting and very generous and accommodating. There are 2 cats and one dog (the dog is temporary) All the inhabitants of the house are of the female persuasion.

This has made the possibility of staying here next year a lot more certain and promising.  

Baby Swallow

On Saturday, I was lying on the chair reading while the kids were playing outside. I heard a strange screeching meow noise and thought at first it was one of the kids pretending to be something, then I thought it might be somebody annoying the cat, I went to investigate. The cat looked extremely guilty and I realized there was something in her mouth. Thinking it was a frog I pursued the cat to initiate a rescue, when she dropped it however I saw that it was a baby bird. I picked it up and it was still alive. I knew where the nest was (about 3 meters from the ground) and could not find a ladder anywhere. It was shocky and sick looking with only half the feathers on, puffing and panting and wings and legs in unnatural positions. By this time the kids were involved and we also had to go out. I did not want to put it inside in case it died and we had to deal with it, I also did not want to put it where the cat could find it, I also did not know how to look after it. Since we had to go out we took it across the road to a scrub area and made a little nest in the shade of a tree and left it there.

I was kind of hoping it would die in the hour and a bit we were out, however it didn't so I looked up what and how to feed it and began getting water and food into it. I managed not to kill it and it improved enough composure to poop in my hand at one point. According to the internet baby swallows (that is what it was) leave the nest weighing about 17.5 grams and our baby weighed 16 grams, it had grown its flight feathers but they were still encased. Also according to the internet the parents don't reject them if you return them to the nest. The problem still remained though that I am not 3 meters tall and there was no ladder.

In the end, about 4 hours after the baby had been rescued, we managed to return it to the nest. We put a bar stool on the outside table and I stood on it and posted the baby back into the nest. Then we went inside and watched to see if the parents came back and kicked it out.

I am relieved to say no baby bird has reappeared and the mum and dad are still swooping about industriously, trying to keep the nest a secret in case we steal their baby.

Electrical entertainment

Computer games, tv, portable gaming devices including phones and ipods and DS's are a curse in disguise. This is like a blessing in disguise, only backwards. It seems like fantastic entertainment for kids or yourself, it gets kids out of your hair, it makes  boring times less boring, it is mindless entertainment when you don't feel like thinking at the end of the day. It removes the need to talk to your friends or family when you are tired, bored or not interested, it is an easy way to get children to lay still to rest, or to while away hours spent alone.
It removes the need to think of something creative or interesting to do, to interact with family or friends, to even make friends, to go out and meet up with people.
After playing them for a while alone, when your family forces you to go out and socialize, you either take the device with you or spend the whole time wishing you were playing them.

After a short time, we get so addicted to screens, when we are with a group of friends, we get out our phones, or ipods and play with them. We get so addicted we spend hours each night playing computer games with imaginary friends instead of real games with our real friends. We get so addicted all our children can think of is playing their video games and a request for them to do anything different results in a day of grizzling. Children fight over their games, devices, space whatever. They blame each other when they lose, they yell and scream at each other and they don't even realize. Whoever is having a turn feels like it is only 2 seconds, whoever is waiting feels like it is hours.

In theory Screen devices are a good thing for convenient entertainment but they go a long way to destroying relationships, current and future possibility.

Invite? or not

When you have an insanely busy friend or a distant friend, do you invite them to things? Opinion seems to be divided based on the inviter or the invitee. I am not usually an insanely busy person however I do work for such people and they tell me they would rather be invited and need to decline then be not invited based on the fact they are always busy. When you get invited somewhere it shows you are remembered and thought of and your company is desired. You then say no because you are too busy.
The inviter feels like she is always chasing and asking and being rejected. Understanding that her friend is busy helps a bit but she begins to wonder if she is being a bother to her friend. She stops inviting her and the busy person has lost another friend.
This is a one sided relationship, one is chasing and one is running away. It is tiring and jading for the inviter to always hear no from her friend.
There are times though when I have invited a friend based on the fact that I knew she wouldn't be able to come, not to say I didn't want her to (that would have been great) but because she was a shift worker and I wanted her to feel loved. Saying that, she organized a social life around her unpredictable life, continually inviting people over for dinner and movie nights and similar.
I think that inviting a busy person with the expectation of refusal but happy if they agree is the way to go. This would work best with a group invitation so you are not left in the lurch.
If you are the busy person, say yes or invite people when you have time. It can be a long lonely life without friends.

New plan

In karate, when we are sparring, sometimes you block their attack, sometimes to counter with a strike of your own, and sometimes you step out of the way so your opponent goes flying past. This is a bizarre feeling, like when you think their in one more step going up then there actually is, or when you think the milk bottle is full and it isn't.
I made it through two terms without the kids learning which buttons to push to annoy me, then at the end of term two the little 4 yr old worked it out. Tears, tantrums and grizzles don't really annoy me, I can watch a child throw themselves on the floor in a shop and scream at the top of their lungs and know that I am doing the right thing by not giving in.
What really gets me annoyed is when a child intentionally does the wrong thing... twice. Then they look at you with this little smile and wait to see how you will react. I usually reacted badly, getting angry, removing privileges, toys, whatever. I never stopped to think why the child was doing this and what she was gaining.

After talking to a friend of mine, I realized what I should have realized before which is that the child had my undivided attention that lasted for as long as she rebelled. Then once she did as I had asked, I was usually so worn out I didn't give any positive reinforcement. After realizing this, I devised a plan of response for the next time we locked horns. My plan was to calmly state that she needed to do as I had asked (put on PJ's) before she was welcome to come out of her bedroom. Then ignore her completely until she had done as I had asked.
Helpfully when we next began to lock horns, I remembered the plan, gave her the PJ's and asked her to put them on then shut the door and left. There was a child doing EVERYTHING she could to get my attention, coming out, running away when I got up to get something, trying to tell me things, whinging, crying, and much much more. Suddenly I heard the cry change and she vanished, the next time she came out she had her PJ's on and we had a cuddle.

For her it was like missing a step in the dark, she expected me to push back but I wasn't there at all. When there is nothing to push against, you feel silly keeping on pushing.

Enough love for everyone but only one lap

This is following on from an earlier post, From the mouths of Babes. The day after the challenge mentioned, my parents and sister came for a visit. We had our long time reunion at a friends house while I was visiting with the kids. I explained the problem I had come across to my parents and waited expectantly for words of wisdom. I can't remember if there were any :)
After a while, the little girl comes in and crawls into my lap, I ask her if she wants a cuddle and she nods and snuggles down. Then my mother says "But Julia I wanted to sit on your lap" I said "Mum I love you very much but it is ... turn on my lap right now, there is not enough room for both of you."
She said "don't you love me" I explained again. Then Heather, my hilarious sister, said "Mum you can sit on my lap" Mum said "But I wanted to sit on Julia's lap" Heather said "Do you only love Julia? Don't you love me?" So mum got up and went and sat on Heather's lap.

She got it. She thinks my mother is silly because grown ups don't sit on laps, only children do, but she got it. Now I can explain that I have love like a swimming pool and just because someone else is in my lap, or having a carry, or whatever, doesn't mean I love her less.

It was my fault

Have you ever heard anyone say that? I may have but not often enough to figure in my memory. "I am sorry, I made a mistake and this has been my fault, can we work together to fix this?"
This statement takes a HUGE amount of courage and humility to say to another person, or even to admit to yourself. Since we don't want to be humiliated and potentially lose regard or even employment, we excuse ourselves and shift the spotlight onto others.
"I did everything I could but SHE didn't do her part" is heard far more often.
Sadly when said by a professional, highly educated person about a "lesser" (couldn't think of another word) there is not much the other person can do to convince people that this is not true.
Families can be ruined, lives can be destroyed by people who win the blame game and successfully pass the buck to another person.
Owning up to my part in a difficulty is hard, shameful, and scary, however it is also the Godly, courageous and loving thing to do. To risk your job, friendship, whatever by owning up and taking responsibility is a form of sacrificial love. Not like Jesus, he took responsibility for our disobedience, but in not passing it onto another, weaker party, still has an element of self sacrifice.

Not sure if that made sense :)

From the Mouths of Babes

From the mouths of young children come brutal truths about the selfishness and shallowness of humanity. Today we had a 15 minute wait until one child began dancing and the rest of us went to karate. I let the middle child sit on my lap for the whole time, he is snuggly and comfortable and sits still. Also his primary love language is physical touch. He had been a bit grouchy lately so I was filling his love tank. His younger sister asked if she could sit on my lap. I explained there wasn't room for two and it was the other child's turn today. She continued to plead and towards the end began to cry real sad tears. When we left she said it was unfair that she had not had a go.

The whole time I was explaining that I loved both of them and that yesterday the younger child and I had some special time together.

After we got home she was slow and uncooperative and defiant and ended up going to bed in disgrace. After a few minutes I went in to make peace. I asked her if she knew why she was in trouble, then explained, she said sorry I forgave her. Then she reminded me it was unfair that I had cuddled her brother for the whole time. I asked if I had hurt her in her feelings and she nodded and cried again. I said I was very sorry and she forgave me, then tears continued for an hour. They were real, sad, hurt tears. During that hour I explained that I loved all 3 kids and the problem was love amount the problem was lap space. I asked her if I was allowed to love her brothers, she said "no, only love me" ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I did not know where to go with that...

I think I need to explain how love works, each person does not have a teaspoonful of love and once it is gone there is none left. It is more like a hose, the more that comes out the more there is. Taking the analogy further, we could say that God is the water source of love and he never runs out and has plenty to share with EVERYONE.

At this juncture of the conversation her mother came in and I was rescued.

 I did begin to wonder though if this is our secret attitude about our friends love for people other then us, our families love for people other then us and God's love for people other then us. Do we believe we are the only people worth loving and capable of love? That people we don't like for whatever reason should not be loved as deeply as us?

Love Language

5 Love Languages, if you are not familiar with them, are Words of Affirmation (meaningful compliments), Physical Touch, Quality Time, Acts of Service and Gifts. People speak different love languages and if two people speak different love languages in a relationship, then both people can feel that they are being unloved.

The same is true for children, they also have primary love languages. All love languages need to be spoken to children, but they have a main one that speaks love clearly. You can use the primary love language of an adult or child to either build them up and fill them, or crush them to the ground. For a words child, teasing and criticism will crush him, for a quality time child, unhappy separation will will make them feel rejected, for the physical touch child physical disciplines like smacking will crush them.

When a child has been unmanageable for long enough, I finally realize the problem may be an empty long tank. I realized this last week regarding the little girl I care for. She was frustratingly disobedient and defiant or just pretending she didn't hear or that slowly moving in the wrong direction was pretty much obedience. This had been going for maybe 2 weeks before I twigged and realized her love tank was probably empty. I was not entirely sure what her love language was but I figured it out pretty quickly when I mentioned the possibility of "girl time". Apparently her love language is quality time and then physical touch. Unfortunately to fill her tank she needed more then the 1 or 2 hours she got a couple of times a week. I spent lots of Friday with her and all of Wednesday with her just doing things, we cleaned out the freezer and took a load of junk to the op shop. Her love tank filled up and she was happy again. Also I remembered that I like her as well. Mine is quality time so we go well together.

The challenge is keeping 3 children's love tanks full when they speak different languages and drag on your focus at different times. Now it is the 5 yr old's turn, I need to work out his and fill him up because he has become grouchy and unhelpful. I am pretty sure it is physical touch though.

Loving People

I have held a theory for a while that we are meant to function in a kind of honeycomb of mutual care. I say honey comb because they have hexagons. 

If we are lone hexagons, we do not need to care for other people and can focus on caring for ourselves. There is some perceived personal safety in this, we do not need to risk "wasting love" on "unworthy" people. Also we do not need to risk opening up to anyone for them to hurt us and use information against us. This, while seemingly "safe" has a whole host of problems of it's own. What do you do when life goes pear shaped. How do you cope when things get to be too much. Shallow relationships with passers by do not  satisfy our need for companionship and love.  

However if we love and care for a few friends close to us, then they love and care for the people close to them, and so on, slowly the circle spreads. 6 is not a necessary number, it is just that hexagons fit nicely together. If you love and care for, for example, 6 people, and 6 people love and care for you, then you will have 6 times the love and care as you are giving and will find you are able to give more. 

the problem with only loving and caring for 1 or 2 people is that if they can't or don't love and care for you, you can burn out. The trouble with loving and caring for 60 people is that you spread yourself too thin. This is not to say you ignore anyone other then the chosen few, just that your close circle can't be too big.

If one of your close friends is having a time of neediness, and can't love and care for you in return, having other friends who can care for you and share the burden is important. 

This model, one that has been part of churches in the form of bible study care groups. Loving a few people in a lot of ways. 

Generosity in Poverty

It is interesting that we tend to be selfish in our abundance. It is therefore strange that we tend to be generous in our poverty. Logically it ought to be the other way round, I don't have much so I can't share with you, or, now I have lots, I can share.

Today, one child had a kind of "healthy" lolly snack and because he flapped it in the face of his brother, I broke a bit off and said he now needed to share it with his brother because his brother hadn't gotten one that day. I did not mention that their sister should be shared with, I knew she had had one earlier that day. So the scene is set, one child has a large lolly, the second child has a token amount, (2 inches to 10 inches) The second child looks at his sister, breaks his small bit in half, and gives some to his sister.

This is a fascinating aspect of human nature, God gives gifts, and we are to share what he gives. Sometimes, the more he gives, the more we hoard, thinking that there is a limited supply. This puts God in a box of inability, assuming he can't or won't look after our needs so we need to look after our selves. This is not how God intends us to be, because of sin, we turn God's gifts into possessions we feel we deserve and need to keep and use for ourselves. Thankfully, God's spirit enables us to look past ourselves and to notice that, while we feel we don't have much, other people have less. While we feel we ought to look after ourselves first, it is better to care for and love other people.

Stinginess in plenty is just one more way in which we/sin have messed up God's good order of things.

Mental Children.

There was an episode at the end of last term when one of the children had a little bit of lime and pineapple flavoured chocolate and went crazy. She was disobedient and jumpy and violent and loud and unreasonable. This was different to a tantrum because tantrums wear the child out and they become repentant and reasonable afterwards. This was sustained, defiant, intentional, unstoppable disobedience.

There has always been an awareness that some foods affect all three, however the checking of food had become relaxed. I have begun to ask around and find out from her teacher and from other parents what they have noticed with their children and with her. I asked her teacher if she noticed any unusual behaviour after eating certain food to let me know. She said that usually she has a roll up in the afternoon and then she becomes a bit silly. Another lady said twisties are almost guaranteed to set kids off.

Yesterday she ate good food all day, she was home all day and I was there for every meal and snack that she had. Still she was a bit crazy in the afternoon. I could think of nothing that she had eaten that could set this off. I though maybe tv instead of resting was the problem. She was testing being violent, she refused to wear footwear, she lost all her babies and their friends, she was not allowed to play, she was unrepentantly obnoxious for about 2 hours. Maybe more except that the movie was on so I didn't notice.

Today it was discovered that there was a cough lolly wrapper in her bed. She must have sneaked it when we weren't looking. That kind of cough lolly had previously set her off.

We are going to do a health kick for the kids and drop all their rubbish food. They can learn to like real food, or they can starve.

Girlness

I have been thinking over my life of the last few years and I am realizing that I am entirely surrounded by women. People I talk to at church are generally women, Bible study is predominantly women, my friends and largely women, I work for and with women. The only times that it evens up or the male count overtakes the female count is on mission. This is 9 days long, for the rest of the year, women.

I like women, I learn from women, I enjoy the company of women, however I am feeling the lack of male friendship. Except for on mission, the men seem to huddle up together and ignore single women. Most of the men I know are married and have wives to care for and children to bring up. However That does not mean that they are a different species to me. There is a tendency, when I go to a married friends house, that the husband thinks to himself "Here is my wife's friend, I will let them do girl stuff together and go off to do my own thing." This is unhelpful to single women who then begin to think "Maybe I am single because there is something wrong with me, even the married men won't have a conversation with me"

Because of the total lack of men my own age in my life, I noticed that the first time I went on beach mission, I was over excited and silly about being near and getting to know single men. It was not helpful to me to not have had practice relating to men, single or otherwise. I was relieved to find some of my female friends at church had found the same thing themselves when relating to the single men. As the years progressed, and we got more practice, we became more natural. However 9 days in a year is not very satisfactory. It would be like having one day of eating per week. Massive pig out, then nothing.

Location has had a lot to do with this situation, last year not only was the congregation female, and bible study female, but they were old as well. The only blokes I got to speak to were to two young men who worked in the co-op. When I did the shopping, they would come and talk to me, probably similarly thrilled at there being a young interesting person in the town.

When I went to karate last week, the entire class was male. They were polite and took an interest in me and were generally friendly. It was this more then anything that made me contemplate and realize the lack of men in my social circles

Manners

I am currently hounding manners among the kids. Not just please and thank you, that was first and with reminding they are pretty good at that. I mean courtesy manners, helping people, answering calls, coming and acting straight away.

When I say a child's name, they need to say "Yes Julia" My instructions to a child go "(name), say yes Julia" child "Yes Julia" me "can you please go and put away your ..., say Yes Julia" child "Yes Julia" me "Now do straight away obedience"

I am going to try to not count, it is a hard habit to break. After reminding them of responding and doing straight away obedience, they need to go immediately or get into trouble. Really though saying straight away is similar to counting to three.

In regards to manners, the responses are required, they need to be in a pleasant voice, and we are working on looking at me and taking things away from their mouths when they speak. I am willing and able to fain deafness if a child answers me while looking away or is speaking through clothes, hands or toys.

Good sportsmanship in action

Yesterday an opportunity to give practical lessons in good sportsmanship to a little girl. She is 4 and very proud of continually winning races, putting on her seatbelt first, eating dinner first or whatever. She says "I just beat you did I?" This is not terrible as a winning statement, however it is still not ideal. It would also not have been a problem if she could take defeat graciously.
Yesterday we went for a bike ride, I was on foot. We had a race to a pole and the first race she won and gloated. The second race I pipped her at the post and she cried that it wasn't a race and she didn't want to race and I always win. I explained that she needed to learn to be a good loser before she could be a good winner and the way to be a good loser was to firstly finish the race, and secondly say "congratulations" and shake hands. Then the good winner says "That was a good race" or "Well done" and shakes hands.
She said several times for the remainder of the bike ride "I'm a bad loser." I said she was but all she had to do to be a good loser was to shake hands and say "Congratulations" She refused and was still in tears when we got home.
After school pick up, I put my seat belt on before she did and then demonstrated just how horrible a bad winner can be. She began to cry again and I asked her if I was being a good winner and if she enjoyed it. She shook her head and cried properly so I went round and gave her a cuddle. Then we got back in the car and I put my belt on first again and said "Good race, now you say congratulations and we shake hands." She did and had a little laugh.
We have thus begun the journey to learning good sportsmanship.

One other thing, The 7 yr old challenged me to a karate fight. He though he could win based on the fact he plays with lego and watches TV. I figured maybe not based on the fact that I have done 3 yrs of Karate. After we had a little spar and I got him on the ground a couple of times, I went to put a handful of rubbish in the bin. At the right moment I turned and blocked the charge he made at my back and told him that attacking when your opponents back is turned is bad sportsmanship. A bit later he apologized for it, I wasn't upset and I did not ask him to, that makes me very happy and we made up.

Venting

Because of facebook and blogs, much airing of dirty laundry is visible for ALL to see. I have not written a post for a while because I do not want to vent on a public forum and the only things filling my head for a few weeks were negative. I do not like to read other peoples should-be-private speeches on my computer, so I didn't want to inflict it on you.
Some things that should be confined to private conversations include "I love you soooo much my little oochy goochy mush mush mush", break ups should also not be able to be viewed by everybody, along with the break up aftermath. How much one hates a person/animal/driver/job/friend/enemy/frenemy/teacher/student, should also be reserved for private conversations.
The things I like to read on facebook are the light hearted, self mocking statements. The ones that make me smile or laugh rather then the ones that make me think "good grief, grow up"
 When I post on facebook or my blog, I try to make sure I am not upset and therefore liable to write unkind or unhelpful things. If I do write something while upset, and the temptation is big, I usually delete it instead of inflicting it on others.
On the other hand, honestly sharing on a blog life struggles and difficulties in order to encourage friends is different to venting or airing dirty laundry. It tends to be carefully considered and thought out, with an aim to teach people or encourage them. Because it is carefully considered and the author is mindful that strangers will read their posts, while there may be personal things written, they will not be private things and they will always be to a purpose.
I do not kid myself that I am one of these who can write about personal suffering to benefit others.

Good sportsmanship

How do we teach children good sportsmanship? I reckon it is true that we can't be good winners till we can be good losers. This means I am not above beating a 5 yr old in a race. I discovered this a few years back, when I would let the little boy I was caring for win and he was downright insulting afterwards. I decided I was not going to stand for this so I won. I ran at my full speed and he was left far behind. He may not have been left so far behind if he had continued running, however as soon as he saw I was in front, he stood and cried. Screamed actually. I don't remember if I went back for him or not, however I told him he should have finished the race. I was also teaching him the correct verbal responses to win or lose outcomes. These were "Good race" and "congratulations"

Over a few weeks, I continued to win races and then would turn around before he could have a tantrum and cheer him to the finish line, we practiced congratulating each other. I don't remember how this ended but if I was intelligent, I would have let him win to see how he reacted. If he was insulting again, we would have gone back to square one, if he was gracious, then he had learnt the basics of good sportsmanship.

Now I tell children that winning is not as important as finishing the race or game. This helps them if, in a competition against peers, they don't come first. I tell them I am proud of them for finishing. However bad sportsmanship may not even be as clear as it was with the little boy described above. It may just be a smug look, or grizzles and tears over not winning. The same strategy should still work.
Also I am not saying we should crush their hopes by winning by miles every time, just bring them to earth in humbleness. Then, when it is time to let them win again, allow them to pip you at the post, this will give them the satisfaction of a hard won success and will keep them humble in their victory.

Finishing Properly

With projects, common practice for most people is to start them and be very keen until about 2/3 of the way through, then it is passed over in favour of the next project.

This also happens with children. I have often vented about people beginning the discipline tantrum cycle and not seeing it through (giving in) but I have never realized the reverse is as important. What I mean is, finishing pleasant things or every day routines properly. For example if you say to a child "You can read till whatever o clock and then I will come and give you a kiss and turn off your light" You need to remember at the specified time to go and tuck in your child and let them know it is time to sleep.
This is not just about timetables, it is about keeping promises. If you say "Go jump into bed and I will tuck you in soon" and then forget and your child falls asleep waiting, what does that say to your child.
This can also be, we can't read a story now but we will this afternoon, or we are too busy to do that today, maybe we can do it tomorrow. It is easy to forget these, I have forgotten many, however it is important to fulfill even longer term promises.
However I can't understand (because I am a child oriented person) how people can forget that they haven't finished their immediate interaction with their child. I understand they get busy doing other things, but I can't settle down until I know I have finished what I started, both pleasant and unpleasant.

1000 unfinished craft projects are not important. Try the same with children and they will learn what level priority they are in your life.

Free Entertainment

A few families in the church have taken me under their wings. This has been hugely appreciated and beneficial to my ability to enjoy my stay here. I am a social being and enjoy being near people I like. 

Today, one of these families, who I really do like and feel like I belong with, took me with them on their family outing to see if we could see whales. We went to a lookout in thee bay where whales hang out and took turns among the seven of us looking through the binoculars at the whales playing and blowing around. To see whales from a boat is $50 or more and it is chancy about whether you will see anything interesting. Then we went to look at the light house at the bit where the Indian Ocean joins the Southern Ocean. To go to the light house or even to the lookout costed money so we opted for free entertainment and looked from a distance. Then we went to a beautiful forest of tall, straight trees and had an argument about what kind of tree this particular one was. We sang songs from memory and also from ipods and tapes, we talked and we played in rock pools.

What makes these outings memorable and fun for me is the company and the laughter of the people I am with. I get the same enjoyment out of going to tourist attractions with people I like as I do washing up with people I like. Walking with people I like, driving with people I like, eating with people I like, washing up with people I like, cleaning with people I like, mucking out stables with people I like. All of these activities are preferable to me to, for example, having a meal alone, walking alone, driving long distances alone. Very occasionally, when on a car ride with people I like to be around, I wish it didn't need to end. 

Free Entertainment like going for a walk with friends or playing a game with friends is far preferable to me then a guided tour without friends.

  

Crying

I am never really sure what to do when another girl is crying. I figure this bodes ill for people who are not girls at all but have been known to be near crying girls. I do know what not to do based on my experience as a crier.
1) Unless you know the crying girl really well (think relative or very close friends) or there is nobody else around, don't do anything. There is nothing more distressing to a girl then a complete stranger asking her why she is crying.
2) Don't ask why she is crying. This means she MAY try to tell you before she has stopped crying sufficiently to make sense.
3) Don't suggest she doesn't cry in any way shape or form. The moment she tries to stop crying, she cries harder and longer.
4) Make yourself available to offer a hug but don't just jump right in before she is ready. She may not be a huggy person and it may make it worse. Sitting beside is often enough and then if she wants she can initiate the hug.
5) When she has calmed down enough to tell you why she is hurting or angry, don't tell her she is "being silly/she imagined it/that person wouldn't do that/they probably didn't mean to", she knows that and doesn't want to hear it from you.
6) Don't allow it to turn into a gossip session, that won't help you or her. Allow her to vent, that is healthy. Joining in about how horrible such-and-such is, is not helpful.

Here are somethings you can do with anyone and not go far wrong.
1) If you see tears arriving and you are in a position to do so, ask them if they want to go for a walk so you can remove them from the group.
2) Stand or sit quietly nearby while they cry. Don't say anything "helpful", they will appreciate the silent company and the lack of pressure.
3) If they apologize for crying, tell them it is ok to cry and then let them get on with it.
4) When they are ready, usually after sitting quietly for some time, though sometimes they will attempt an explanation during the tears, they may choose to tell you why they are upset. Chances are you will already know, however listening is a good plan.
5) When she has talked and cried and used many tissues, taking her to a bathroom to wash her face is a good plan. Then staying with her till she feels better before rejoining the group.
6) If you see someone go out on their own, allow them to have a private cry before going to join them, or waiting til they come back before asking to see if she is ok. She will appreciate somebody noticing, though maybe not the whole group.

Trying new things

How do we encourage small children to try new things, to risk failure, to risk a sad outcome, to risk discomfort. There are some strategies that people use, the most common being to hype them up, both the child and the event. This has massive drawbacks because the child then has expectations that, if not met, cause devastation and disappointment, even if nothing bad happened at the event.
Another less used strategy might be to tell them as little as possible and let them find out for themselves. This also is not great, I rarely like to do something I know nothing about. When preparing for my first beach mission for example, I wanted a blow by blow description of what each hour of each day would hold.

I think the best way is to create a pattern where new things are tried regularly, with a choice not to, and accepting the natural consequences of trying each thing. Trying a new food may have the consequence of liking it or not liking it. If a child does not want to try an optional event or food, just say "OK, it is Simon's turn now then" and move on without a fuss. That way she will see that her decision not to try was firstly respected, and secondly did not receive any attention.

The worst things to do seem to be to firstly push the child into trying. This may mean that, even if the new thing is fun (like a water slide) they will choose not to enjoy it on principle. They may think they genuinely didn't enjoy it, then blame you for making them do something they didn't want to do. Secondly gushing and attending their tears with "Thats ok, you can have a lolly" This draws attention to and embarrasses the child in tears. A quite hug if the child reaches tears on their own, otherwise d not making a big deal of it is a good strategy.

I remember times when I accidentally cried in public, people crowd around so you can't escape, they ask you what the matter is requiring talking, they tell you that is no reason to cry (obviously it was) they tell you to stop crying. None of these are helpful, a quiet shoulder or by myself is best. I especially hate attention being drawn to it. If a child is crying because of perceived failure, they will also not want attention drawn to it.

Everyday new things to try with children to develop a pattern of easily trying and making decisions about new things might be:
Foods, active games, water fights, tickle fights, water slides, diving through legs in the pool, feeling different textures and substances, sleepovers, pillow fights, tasting different things, cooking new things, going new places, meeting new people.

They need to be new but not compulsory. Getting on a plane may be new, but it is also compulsory if the whole family is going somewhere.

Routines

Routines are amazing, hard to set up and easy to lose, but when they do their job they make life so much easier for everybody. Even just relaxing about the times a routine has to happen can mess the whole thing up for the day. For a while the routine has been waking up the slow waker at 630 so that he can be useful when we need him. Then from 7 till 730 the kids get ready for school and if they are ready by 730 they get a tick for pocket money. Then they do piano practice then play till school.
Lately though the wake up has been after 7 and this in turn makes it harder for night owl children to sleep at night. Then it is playing and watching tv while getting ready. The routine that is well set up takes a few days to undo but one day we wake up and it is completely gone. Today for example, breakfast wasn't even begun being organized until 730, then when it was time to leave two children were still in their pyjama's and one hadn't cleaned their teeth.

Routines don't keep themselves. They need an adult with a watch to ensure that people are doing what they are meant to be doing. We can be lulled into a false sense of security though because routines can get momentum to keep going for a little while even without someone pushing it. However without somebody reminding and pushing it along, it can roll to a complete standstill and can be very hard to restart afterwards.

Excitement

How lenient should we be when dealing with excited, nervous children? I tend to harden up and become an impenetrable wall of boundaries around them, constantly insisting that they do as they are told.

I think that we can teach children that obedience is required however excited they are, however noisy talk, excited laughing and other evidences of excitement warrant grace.

Today was the day for a piano concert for the four year old girl. Much blame for her behaviour must go to the adults hyping her up about her concert, the pretty dress, and the song she would play. This was a means to an end to get her to practice the song. However this meant that I was dealing with the Queen of Sheba this morning when I was getting her ready. She hid coyly, peeped out around cupboards "shyly" and pretended to be a scared little waif when I asked her to do anything. She was, for want of a better phrase, full of her own importance. After she had performed her piece she went to sit with her grandfather, she sat still enough initially but shortly began playing cats under the chairs while other children were playing their pieces. I took her out to have words with her and she defiantly turned her head and body away. I was very cross and told her she had been rude, she said sorry and we went in. The cutesy behaviour did not stop. After the awards and certificates were handed out, she was clinging to her mothers skirt and refused to have a photo.

All this was manipulative and not her normal self. Some could be explained by excitement, however most of it was rude or disobedient and needed to be treated as such. On the way home, after she had eaten, she was largely settled and beck to her normal self. Hopefully the return to earth will be speedy and last a while. The arrogance was similar to that of birthday children who believe the world ought to revolve around them for the day.

Entertainment

This seems to be an age of entertainment and boredom. We are so easily bored that we need our electronic devices to entertain us. This is the significant problem though, we now expect to be entertained by other things or other people. It has now become more and more the passive receiving of entertainment rather then entertaining ourselves. This includes TV obviously, and video games, ipods, phones, Nintendo's. We are expecting to be entertained by an outside influence.

Entertaining yourself using tools like books, games and puzzles, craft, sewing, cooking, singing, playing music or anything else active is more beneficial then computer games and visual passtimes.  Books, puzzles, board games and the rest, are less passive as they take brain power and, except with books, socialness to do successfully.

If we always go for the passive, receiving forms of entertainment, we will forget how to amuse ourselves with anything else. This is most clearly seen in children who are allowed to watch TV or play screen games too much then, when told they are not allowed to anymore, complain how bored they are. Teenagers in a group will text each other and absent people, will play mobile phone games and listen to their music or watch youtube rather then face the awkwardness of speaking to the people pysically there. When in a group of say eight people and four of them are fiddling with their phones, it is hard for the other four to maintain a conversation even just between themselves.

Soon we will need to teach our children how to not continually rely on electronic devices and to find other ways to entertain themselves, like maybe talking or playing.

Thoughtless whinges

The little one I look after has a staple whinge that she has  realized gets a reaction. Not always a positive one, but occasionally when we are not twigging on, we give into what the whinge says. What she says, the moment she is asked to do something from piano practice to going to bed is, "But I didn't get any playing time" The usual response is, "well you will get some after", or "Yes you did, you had 2 hours of it" or "OK you can have 5 more minutes". All of these responses either gives her attention or even worse, what she most desires, to not do what she is asked to immediately. Today I worked out a strategy.

I feel that the problem is she is taking privileges as rights. It is her "right" to have as much playing time as she desires. It is also her "right" to sit directly in front of the heater to get dressed after a bath. This means that the automatic vocalization from her mouth the moment she sits down in front of the heater is "I didn't get any aaaaiiiiiiirrrrrrrrr"
The solution then, is to remove these privileges until she can stop whinging about them. Today, after a bath and before dinner, she was not free to play. After dinner she went to bed. I saw it coming and gave her a fighting chance by telling her not to grizzle about playing time, but she did. I told here she wouldn't get any tomorrow either. Unfortunately this is a largely empty threat since I won't be here tomorrow, however it had the desired effect and she didn't grizzle about playing time again.
When she whined about the heater, I removed that privilege too and she was not welcome to put on her pajamas's in front of a heater. She cried piteously about how cold she was and I believe her, however she stubbornly did not put on her P.J's until I put on the timer. I did not allow her to sit in front of the heater.

I am tired of whinges and grizzles desiring things she will already get, or that she already has. It is also the same at dinner. Her brother says he wants to sit next to her. The next thing out of her mouth is "But I want to sit next to ...  ) This is the same brother who just nominated her as a sitting partner. I will make her sit alone next time she has a grizzle asking for something she has.

Learning from people

There are 3 kinds of people, the people you actively try not to learn from (or at least use them as the what not to do), the people you actively try to learn from, and the rest who don't really figure in the decision and tend to offer accidental learning.

I have been thinking about the last decade and about the people God has placed in my life who I actively want to learn from. God has blessed me in that, in a few minutes, I could easily name 10 people who I want to learn from. The positive influences in my life have so far outweighed the negative ones, I am struggling to think of any.

The people I desire to learn from have characteristics that I want in myself, Godliness, patience, kind words and thoughts, selflessness, friendly humour, grace, youthfulness even in age, energy, sense of fun, perseverance, the ability to love even people who are hard to love. Especially I watch and learn how they parent. I love watching people parent.

I am especially happy to be able to spend time with a family including 4 daughters ranging from 7 to 15 years. I am able to see their mum teach her girls in humility by admitting and explaining what she, the mum, has done wrong and why it was wrong. These are not big misdemeanors but it teaches Godly reactions to situations, how to better handle situations and how to apologize when we are wrong.

I love being able to watch Godly men and especially women living their lives and demonstrating concrete examples of how to glorify God in normal life.

The sound of sin dying

When I was still living at home, about four years ago, a young couple at church with their two young children, began teaching me how to parent. They did not do this intentionally, or even consciously, but they did indeed add to what I had learnt from mum. One night after church, the mum had just informed her toddler boy of a fact he did not seem impressed with. I think it may have been "We need to go home now" when the boy had been enjoying himself with his grown up friends. The result of this was the most enormous tantrum, one of the screaming child needing to be carried out. It was so large and so unexpected that most people turned to see what the matter was. His mum looked around and said apologetically "This is the sound of sin dying".

I have liked that description of tantrums and I think it has helped me when my various charges have busted a wobbly in public. While waiting for one of the kids at dancing, a friend was talking about the tantrum that would erupt from her boy if he found out that lollipops had been consumed without him. I said "We might hear the sound of sin dying?" She seemed confused so I quickly explained about the mum back home and she laughed and agreed that it was good.

WHEN a child in your care chucks a tantrum in a public place, like church, a park, the library, the shops, at the traffic lights, at the beach, at grandparents house, at a friends house, at bedtime, when visitors are over, at dinnertime, bathtime, lunchtime, breakfast time, teeth cleaning time, bible study time, school time, home time. Just remember that it is the sound of sin dying and ALL other adults are backing you up to not give in. They would almost always rather let the child scream his way out of the library then for you to give in. I have had several people make impressed noises and give sympathetic glances when I am dealing with a tantrum.

There is one thing that gets up my nose, that is people who see a screaming child, clearly in your care, and ask what the matter is. This is never helpful as it interrupts the course of the tantrum and either freaks the child out, or gives her undeserved sympathy. When I was dealing with such a tantrum at school, a "helpful" mother asked my little girl what was the matter. I felt unwilling to explain and, being less intelligent and less Godly then my friend said "Oh don't worry, these are tears of happiness". It was a stupid careless thing to say. I hope to next time say "This is the sound of Sin dying"

Accidental Learning

Children accidentally learn all the time. By reading them stories, they are learning why and how to read. By letting them cook with you, they are learning to cook. By letting them draw, they are learning to write. By writing letters to friends while they watch they learn why to write. By reacting badly to stress, they learn to yell and get angry. By swearing and name calling, they learn the same. By saying I love you, they learn to say I love you. By smiling they learn to smile. By hearing music, they learn to make music.

Adults are less prone to accidental learning, we need more instruction and guidance as we are more afraid to get things wrong. To be sure children need instruction and guidance for many of these as well, but less so then adults.

Every week I take the boys to their violin lesson. I learn the techniques as they do so I can better help them practice. I have played their violins, teaching myself songs and practicing the fingering and bowing. Yesterday I downloaded song sheet music of songs that I like and began to learn to play them on the violin. It is lots of fun though harder then it looks to even get a smooth sound from the bow.

I already knew a bit about how to read music but I am learning how to play the violin by accident. I am by no means very good at it.

Destroying enjoyment

Why is it that a plan that originated to allow us to get the most out of something, ends up destroying the pleasure of it altogether. I found this with English at school. I was happily enjoying movies and books and then English came along and we analysed them to find out what they were saying. It has taking years for me to stop accidentally analyzing movies and books.

I am finding the same with the homework for the 5 yr old. It is meant to assist the child to get more out of the books we read, he is meant to hear a book and draw a sequence from the book, beginning, middle, end. Because it is hard to get him to recall ANYTHING that happened in the book, this task has become a nightmare. Instead of being able to enjoy reading to him, I am feeling the pressure of producing this homework with him. I am not experienced with homework for small children but I can't help but feel that it is making reading work instead of pleasure.

My approach has not been even remotely helpful, however putting unnecessary stress into what should be a wonderful time of shared pleasure, will remove any possibility of developing a love of reading.

Why do we need to make everything a "learning experience" Why can't 3 yr olds just play with playdough, or draw spirals and squares, why can't a 5 yr old just have stories read to him, why can't 10 yr olds enjoy being read to though they can already read, why must everything be about proving that learning happened? Learning is happening whenever children are awake. We don't need to make it hard work.

After the kids had eaten dinner last night, I was in a position to observe the different opinions of what condiments are for at dinner time. 

Here we have the child who thinks BBQ sauce is for looking at, to make the plate look better, like garnish.

Here is the child who thinks sauce is for food to swim in

 Here is the grown up who decided to extend her artistic talent in the leftover sauce

strange attachment

Clearing the bench to cook one day and we noticed that the spoon was becoming very friendly with the paper

Even under the stress of the gravitational pull, they remained fast friends until a set of firm fingers finally came between them

They never saw each other again

So much potential

I was cleaning up the plastics cupboard the other day and found, to my slightly confused delight, a platebowl. I considered that this is the kind of thing invented by a genius for camping since one item could beautifully be doubled as both a plate and a bowl.

I did suspect that the said inventor had not thought through the problem of dripping from the already used part of the device. I questioned the owner of the item and, disappointingly enough, discovered it is actually a special cake plate. What a disappointing revelation. Also just one more bulky item used for only one purpose and always forgotten at the opportune moment, like when one has cooked a cake.

Patience

Is apparently a thing I am lacking when I feel like people are not trying. This is not when they actually can't do a thing, just when they don't try. This is because I know that they can do what I am asking, or that they will enjoy doing what I suggest. Unfortunately it is fear of failure which prevent people, including children, from attempting things. Then, when I am impatient and easily frustrated, they begin to worry more about getting it wrong and not even trying. The safe thing to do is to say "I can't" or "I don't know". The thing to do to help with this is to give them victories and wins. Prove to them that what you said about their abilities is true. That when you say they will enjoy something, that they will.

I suppose this is down more to trust. If they trust that I will not shame them when they make a mistake, or growl at them for getting it wrong, they will try more and more to have a go. AAAARGH!!!!!!

I will need to practice much patience and love and encouragement.

Misplaced Modesty

Not talking about clothing here. Modest clothing is never misplaced. I am talking about how to graciously accept thanks and praise for a job well done. I have swung through various fazes of responses, none of them very beneficial to me or others. My responses have ranged from "Are you teasing me or do you genuinely think it was good?" Not in those words but that was the intent behind, to "I know I am amazing!!!!" I don't say this in a serious way.

The thing about compliments though is they are pleasant to give, and they take practice, so a gracious, encouraged response is beneficial to both parties. For the complimenter, they will know that they have done something loving and uplifting, and may well continue to spread the love to others. For the complimentee they will practice humility in accepting the compliment humbly and will be encouraged by the compliment rather then brushing it off. Also accepting a compliment teaches how to give compliments.

Things I have noticed about compliment receiving and giving. Firstly they need to be true and considered, not just the first thought that pops into the head as they tend to be shallow. A real compliment is considered carefully and delivered thoughtfully with the goal to encourage the other person. Secondly, it cannot sound or be condescending. This is especially easy to accidentally do when complimenting children. A carefully considered compliment will not generally sound shallow and condescending. Thirdly, if all intelligent responses to a compliment fail? A smile and a thankyou are pretty much ideal as a response.

At youth group the other night, the host said that desert was just cake and ice-cream. We nodded and said that would be lovely. When we were clearing the plates from the table, we saw the cakes and they looked really good, they were covered in sliced up chocolate bars. "OHHHH" we said "Justcake and ice-cream" It has become and understatement joke among the group and we still refer back to the night we had "Justcake"

Manly men

I love it when men are manly in a serving and Godly and caring way. Teaching boys and young men to serve others and demonstrate gentlemanly behviour is valuable. It is very lovely to see it in action. Holding doors, allowing others to go first, offering to carry heavy things, these are all excellent ways to demonstrate Godly manliness.
Therefore some mocking was deemed appropriate the other week at youth group. Each week we meet at somebodies house for a meal and the bible study. After a really nice dinner, the lady who hosted us and the seniour, male, youth group leader decided that the moving of a couch was necessary for personal space and comfort during the study. One of the boys wandered in and offered assistance. A few seconds later the three of them returned with the couch and to my surprise I notice that the lady and the boy were carrying it.  I could hardly breathe for laughing and it was some time before the study could get underway.

Pointing stuff out.

I prefer to live in blissful ignorance about unimportant or annoying thing then to have some observant person pointing it out. I am not going to say I am the most observant person in the world, or even in the room I am in. Therefore I am usually in blissful ignorance about the buttchins on actors or the irritating inconsistencies in movies. Heather, my very close sister, is quite observant in ways I am happy not being. Today for example, having visited me only once before,  she pointed out that most of the cars here have a BSN number plate. I had not noticed this but then we saw that 5 of the cars in the church parking lot had that number plate and 2 of the 4 cars at my friends place were BSN numbers.

Thanks to my sister, I will now notice something I was blissfully unaware of.

Playing things up

There are two inclinations with little children doing things for the first time, there is the child who decides early on in the piece he hates it, before he even sees it, and therefore proves himself right in the event. Then there is the child who looks forward to something for so long that, when it is not exactly how he expected it to be, he cries.

Both of these need different preparation as a lead up, neither should be over the top. For the child who decides he won't like anything, tell him that it will be fun because ... Then tell him that he needs to have a go and then he can tell you he doesn't like it. Be a bit wise about this promise, if it is sport or something that takes a while to like, is good for him, or hard, he needs to do it anyway. For the child who gets excited about high expectations then cries, don't tell him anything unless he asks, then tell him only what you know to be true. He may still get huge ideas about what it will be like and how fun it will be, but these will not be diminished by telling him only the good amazing results of the event.

With children, warn them early if there will be anything unexpected, encourage them to have a go where possible, plan to sit and watch the first time and tell them they can't join in this week but maybe next time.

Comprehension

I blame and thanks my mother for this. Because I have always been able to understand and remember what books, movies and bible passages are about, I assume that everybody can automatically do the same. Last night I was thinking about it though and maybe it was not just a natural thing for me.

When I was little, mum used to read the bible with the four of us at the beginning of each day as part of our home education. The pattern was simple, read the passage, select a child to tell in their own words what the passage was about, then ask the others if there was anything to add. Then memory verse learning and remembering, then reading You Can Change the World, then prayer. This did me many favours for later in life. Firstly it helps me to retain things I hear and read, I am an auditory learner so this is perhaps easier for me. Secondly I still remember some of the memory verses and I still remember the books of the bible. Thirdly it helped me at bible study later on to remember what the passage said and to work out what it means. I am still better at story passages then at poetry but it is a start.

Now it is my happy job to help a 5 yr old to comprehend what he is hearing when we read a book. Ask him any question and the answer is "I don't know". For homework we need to read the same book every day for a week then he needs to draw pictures about what happens in the book. He needs to draw the beginning, middle and end. This is like pulling crocodile teeth and it is hard to get him to do anything. I am also finding that the enjoyment of reading is leaving me when we need to do this. I am going to try something else and read a different book every day and ask him what is one thing that happened in the book. I will try it for 2 weeks and see if he gets more brave about it. It will need to be at bedtime reading because his brother and sister but in and "help". Will let you know how it goes.

More church music

After reading a comment on my last music post, I thought of all this as well.

 I have also noticed, being on the music team in my old church, that musicians get tired of a new song three times quicker then the congregation. This is obviously because first we need to learn it, then we practice it during the week leading up to the service, then we run through it once or twice before church begins, then the congregation joins in. For each time the congregation sings a sing, the musicians play and sing it at least 3 times. This means that as the congregation begins to like the new song, the band is bored and begins to change things round, or drops it altogether in favour of another new song.

I have been to churches almost every Sunday since I was born, thanks to mum and dad. When I go to a new church, a lot of how welcome I will feel is based on whether I recognize the songs. Not like, or know by heart, but recognize. If I can draw the tune up from the depths of memories from my early church years, I sing along and am happy. Standing in a congregation knowing none of the song that are sung is very alienating. It is nice to know at least one.

This means that continually introducing new songs and never playing older, more widely spread songs is a bit harsh on visitors and the congregation alike.

writing bible studies

I have never given a sermon, I hopefully never will, but a sermon is essentially telling people what this passage of the bible means. The Holy Spirit helps the preacher to understand and to put it into words. Writing a bible study is different. It is working out what the passage means and then writing questions to assist a group to also work out what it means.

Bible study writing is safer, I think, because it is harder to accidentally teach heresy. However it does not make it easier. How to write questions to invite discussion on the right topics, not, for example, social lives. How to get a structure that helps the overall passage make sense, structure and I are not friends at the best of times. How to word questions to make them understandable.

Then leading the bible study is a whole other barrel of laughs. I have only led teens but the variety of bible knowledge, attention span, focusing ability, and ability to say something that may be wrong or only nearly write at the risk of being thought a fool, is the same as in an adults bible study. Adults may have a longer attention span then teens (or they pretend they do) but they also suffer from "what if I get it Wrong" disease. "Talking over the top of others" syndrome (I suffer from this a little), and the dreaded "I have spoken the correct answer so let us move on" difficulty. I have encountered all these and more while leading youth bible studies. The difficulty is to encourage the over confident kids to allow the less confident kids to answer, especially if it is an easier question. Not to say that quieter kids are less smart, it is just nice to give them a victory occasionally (this is where I struggle with the talking over the top of others thing).

I suspect that, while heretically safer to write a bible study then a sermon, there are more likely to be disputers in a bible study group then a sermon congregation if one begins teaching that Jesus and God are not even related, both are equally difficult to write. They are also both difficult to teach with, for different reasons.

Sunday Afternoons

I love spending Sunday afternoons with people I like. I like being with people I like most of the time, this is easier if one likes lots of people. Yesterday I had the pleasure of joining in with a family from church who have four daughters and are lots of fun. Just doing normal, everyday stuff, like playing chess, making costumes for the kids dress up things at school, watching a dvd, doing the washing up, talking about anything and everything. Just a very special family-ish time that one misses out on when one is a single in a new place.

Sunday Afternoons by myself can be pleasant if I am in the right mood and I have a movie to watch or a book to read, however I can do that anytime and visiting with people is far more special.

Power of Suggestion

When you mention to a child that you have a sore stomach, they will usually either immediately or a few days later, tell you they have a sore stomach. There is some power in suggestion. This is not to say that they are lying, they may actually have, or believe they have, a sore stomach.

I do this too. My friends explain their illnesses and difficulties and I begin to sort of practice what it would be like to have these. With one friend it was mild epilepsy, not fainting or convulsing, just spacing out for a minute or two. Mum said I was starting to do it too and told me to stop. Recently it has been Anxiety (I say recently meaning last night and the night before) I have been busy lately, I have been iron deficient, and have been sleeping not brilliantly and I have been feeling anti social. Because I have been out every night for a week and except for tonight and look forward to many more busy times, I was starting to feel anxious. Now usually I take things one at a time and it doesn't worry me, also I look forward to everything that I do. However last night on the way home from bible study I was getting myself into a mild panic by thinking about how many nights in a row I had out plus full days of work. I was not thinking helpfully, it was going in circles and mounting up higher, thinking about what had already been done and what still needed doing. I made myself calm down and remember that I was getting a whole day and evening where I only needed to be out once to collect the kids.

What I found interesting was that I was only getting anxious because a friend of mine struggles with that and I was copying.