Trusted and Trustworthy

I never realized how much easier it is to care for kids when they trust you to do what is best/right and they trust you to love them. I realized the other day that the eldest of the children I care for doesn't trust me to know or do what is best. He goes along with what I say because he feels he has no choice, but he doesn't trust me. The younger two trust me and seem to have an easier time of it. When they are in trouble, the conversation about why and the consequence can be brief, they admit they were in the wrong and say sorry and we make up. The eldest though argues and fights, explains his point, feels unjustly done by about EVERYTHING, complains to his mum about me and even begins defending himself before he gets into trouble (this is especially annoying when it was clearly an accident and I am not going to growl at him.)

I don't think I am so unpredictable that I fly off the handle randomly and with no warning over silly little mistakes. I do get annoyed by mistakes from being silly, or repeated mistakes. Also some mistakes lead to more work on my part which can make it hard to be objective. However the younger two don't feel the need to walk on eggshells.

I used to think it was a manipulation thing, now I think it is a trust thing. He feels like he has to be in charge of himself, his siblings and even his parents and me. Because he is a child he needs to use manipulative strategies to control us all. Being manipulated and played against each other irritates me, it will irritate his siblings and will irritate his friends at school if he is also bossing them around. I think it is stressing him out to feel in charge and to not trust that I am responsible for all the kids well being, including his. I feel that in all his parenting worries, he is forgetting to be a child. He can't relax, if he is happy he is high as a kite. If he is sensible he is serious and anxious to please. Because he is so anxious to please, he gets VERY distressed when he feels that I am not pleased, and especially so when he gets in trouble. Or even just reminded about responsibilities. Or reminded to be sensible.

I am going to work on, in conjunction with his parents, that he is responsible only for his actions, obedience and possessions. He is not responsible for other peoples wellbeing or happiness (not to intentionally make them unhappy, but he doesn't need to please or manipulate others into being happy). When I am disciplining either of the others, I will keep his input out of it. He will be free to tell his parents if something is bothering him but if it is me that is bothering him, he needs to tell me about it. That way it is not dobbing. If his mother needs to talk to me, he does not need to also tell me the same thing. Also the other way around.

This will be a long project and hopefully we see some long term improvement in himself and his confidence and childhood

New plan

In karate, when we are sparring, sometimes you block their attack, sometimes to counter with a strike of your own, and sometimes you step out of the way so your opponent goes flying past. This is a bizarre feeling, like when you think their in one more step going up then there actually is, or when you think the milk bottle is full and it isn't.
I made it through two terms without the kids learning which buttons to push to annoy me, then at the end of term two the little 4 yr old worked it out. Tears, tantrums and grizzles don't really annoy me, I can watch a child throw themselves on the floor in a shop and scream at the top of their lungs and know that I am doing the right thing by not giving in.
What really gets me annoyed is when a child intentionally does the wrong thing... twice. Then they look at you with this little smile and wait to see how you will react. I usually reacted badly, getting angry, removing privileges, toys, whatever. I never stopped to think why the child was doing this and what she was gaining.

After talking to a friend of mine, I realized what I should have realized before which is that the child had my undivided attention that lasted for as long as she rebelled. Then once she did as I had asked, I was usually so worn out I didn't give any positive reinforcement. After realizing this, I devised a plan of response for the next time we locked horns. My plan was to calmly state that she needed to do as I had asked (put on PJ's) before she was welcome to come out of her bedroom. Then ignore her completely until she had done as I had asked.
Helpfully when we next began to lock horns, I remembered the plan, gave her the PJ's and asked her to put them on then shut the door and left. There was a child doing EVERYTHING she could to get my attention, coming out, running away when I got up to get something, trying to tell me things, whinging, crying, and much much more. Suddenly I heard the cry change and she vanished, the next time she came out she had her PJ's on and we had a cuddle.

For her it was like missing a step in the dark, she expected me to push back but I wasn't there at all. When there is nothing to push against, you feel silly keeping on pushing.

Enough love for everyone but only one lap

This is following on from an earlier post, From the mouths of Babes. The day after the challenge mentioned, my parents and sister came for a visit. We had our long time reunion at a friends house while I was visiting with the kids. I explained the problem I had come across to my parents and waited expectantly for words of wisdom. I can't remember if there were any :)
After a while, the little girl comes in and crawls into my lap, I ask her if she wants a cuddle and she nods and snuggles down. Then my mother says "But Julia I wanted to sit on your lap" I said "Mum I love you very much but it is ... turn on my lap right now, there is not enough room for both of you."
She said "don't you love me" I explained again. Then Heather, my hilarious sister, said "Mum you can sit on my lap" Mum said "But I wanted to sit on Julia's lap" Heather said "Do you only love Julia? Don't you love me?" So mum got up and went and sat on Heather's lap.

She got it. She thinks my mother is silly because grown ups don't sit on laps, only children do, but she got it. Now I can explain that I have love like a swimming pool and just because someone else is in my lap, or having a carry, or whatever, doesn't mean I love her less.

From the Mouths of Babes

From the mouths of young children come brutal truths about the selfishness and shallowness of humanity. Today we had a 15 minute wait until one child began dancing and the rest of us went to karate. I let the middle child sit on my lap for the whole time, he is snuggly and comfortable and sits still. Also his primary love language is physical touch. He had been a bit grouchy lately so I was filling his love tank. His younger sister asked if she could sit on my lap. I explained there wasn't room for two and it was the other child's turn today. She continued to plead and towards the end began to cry real sad tears. When we left she said it was unfair that she had not had a go.

The whole time I was explaining that I loved both of them and that yesterday the younger child and I had some special time together.

After we got home she was slow and uncooperative and defiant and ended up going to bed in disgrace. After a few minutes I went in to make peace. I asked her if she knew why she was in trouble, then explained, she said sorry I forgave her. Then she reminded me it was unfair that I had cuddled her brother for the whole time. I asked if I had hurt her in her feelings and she nodded and cried again. I said I was very sorry and she forgave me, then tears continued for an hour. They were real, sad, hurt tears. During that hour I explained that I loved all 3 kids and the problem was love amount the problem was lap space. I asked her if I was allowed to love her brothers, she said "no, only love me" ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I did not know where to go with that...

I think I need to explain how love works, each person does not have a teaspoonful of love and once it is gone there is none left. It is more like a hose, the more that comes out the more there is. Taking the analogy further, we could say that God is the water source of love and he never runs out and has plenty to share with EVERYONE.

At this juncture of the conversation her mother came in and I was rescued.

 I did begin to wonder though if this is our secret attitude about our friends love for people other then us, our families love for people other then us and God's love for people other then us. Do we believe we are the only people worth loving and capable of love? That people we don't like for whatever reason should not be loved as deeply as us?

Love Language

5 Love Languages, if you are not familiar with them, are Words of Affirmation (meaningful compliments), Physical Touch, Quality Time, Acts of Service and Gifts. People speak different love languages and if two people speak different love languages in a relationship, then both people can feel that they are being unloved.

The same is true for children, they also have primary love languages. All love languages need to be spoken to children, but they have a main one that speaks love clearly. You can use the primary love language of an adult or child to either build them up and fill them, or crush them to the ground. For a words child, teasing and criticism will crush him, for a quality time child, unhappy separation will will make them feel rejected, for the physical touch child physical disciplines like smacking will crush them.

When a child has been unmanageable for long enough, I finally realize the problem may be an empty long tank. I realized this last week regarding the little girl I care for. She was frustratingly disobedient and defiant or just pretending she didn't hear or that slowly moving in the wrong direction was pretty much obedience. This had been going for maybe 2 weeks before I twigged and realized her love tank was probably empty. I was not entirely sure what her love language was but I figured it out pretty quickly when I mentioned the possibility of "girl time". Apparently her love language is quality time and then physical touch. Unfortunately to fill her tank she needed more then the 1 or 2 hours she got a couple of times a week. I spent lots of Friday with her and all of Wednesday with her just doing things, we cleaned out the freezer and took a load of junk to the op shop. Her love tank filled up and she was happy again. Also I remembered that I like her as well. Mine is quality time so we go well together.

The challenge is keeping 3 children's love tanks full when they speak different languages and drag on your focus at different times. Now it is the 5 yr old's turn, I need to work out his and fill him up because he has become grouchy and unhelpful. I am pretty sure it is physical touch though.

Generosity in Poverty

It is interesting that we tend to be selfish in our abundance. It is therefore strange that we tend to be generous in our poverty. Logically it ought to be the other way round, I don't have much so I can't share with you, or, now I have lots, I can share.

Today, one child had a kind of "healthy" lolly snack and because he flapped it in the face of his brother, I broke a bit off and said he now needed to share it with his brother because his brother hadn't gotten one that day. I did not mention that their sister should be shared with, I knew she had had one earlier that day. So the scene is set, one child has a large lolly, the second child has a token amount, (2 inches to 10 inches) The second child looks at his sister, breaks his small bit in half, and gives some to his sister.

This is a fascinating aspect of human nature, God gives gifts, and we are to share what he gives. Sometimes, the more he gives, the more we hoard, thinking that there is a limited supply. This puts God in a box of inability, assuming he can't or won't look after our needs so we need to look after our selves. This is not how God intends us to be, because of sin, we turn God's gifts into possessions we feel we deserve and need to keep and use for ourselves. Thankfully, God's spirit enables us to look past ourselves and to notice that, while we feel we don't have much, other people have less. While we feel we ought to look after ourselves first, it is better to care for and love other people.

Stinginess in plenty is just one more way in which we/sin have messed up God's good order of things.

Mental Children.

There was an episode at the end of last term when one of the children had a little bit of lime and pineapple flavoured chocolate and went crazy. She was disobedient and jumpy and violent and loud and unreasonable. This was different to a tantrum because tantrums wear the child out and they become repentant and reasonable afterwards. This was sustained, defiant, intentional, unstoppable disobedience.

There has always been an awareness that some foods affect all three, however the checking of food had become relaxed. I have begun to ask around and find out from her teacher and from other parents what they have noticed with their children and with her. I asked her teacher if she noticed any unusual behaviour after eating certain food to let me know. She said that usually she has a roll up in the afternoon and then she becomes a bit silly. Another lady said twisties are almost guaranteed to set kids off.

Yesterday she ate good food all day, she was home all day and I was there for every meal and snack that she had. Still she was a bit crazy in the afternoon. I could think of nothing that she had eaten that could set this off. I though maybe tv instead of resting was the problem. She was testing being violent, she refused to wear footwear, she lost all her babies and their friends, she was not allowed to play, she was unrepentantly obnoxious for about 2 hours. Maybe more except that the movie was on so I didn't notice.

Today it was discovered that there was a cough lolly wrapper in her bed. She must have sneaked it when we weren't looking. That kind of cough lolly had previously set her off.

We are going to do a health kick for the kids and drop all their rubbish food. They can learn to like real food, or they can starve.

Manners

I am currently hounding manners among the kids. Not just please and thank you, that was first and with reminding they are pretty good at that. I mean courtesy manners, helping people, answering calls, coming and acting straight away.

When I say a child's name, they need to say "Yes Julia" My instructions to a child go "(name), say yes Julia" child "Yes Julia" me "can you please go and put away your ..., say Yes Julia" child "Yes Julia" me "Now do straight away obedience"

I am going to try to not count, it is a hard habit to break. After reminding them of responding and doing straight away obedience, they need to go immediately or get into trouble. Really though saying straight away is similar to counting to three.

In regards to manners, the responses are required, they need to be in a pleasant voice, and we are working on looking at me and taking things away from their mouths when they speak. I am willing and able to fain deafness if a child answers me while looking away or is speaking through clothes, hands or toys.

Good sportsmanship in action

Yesterday an opportunity to give practical lessons in good sportsmanship to a little girl. She is 4 and very proud of continually winning races, putting on her seatbelt first, eating dinner first or whatever. She says "I just beat you did I?" This is not terrible as a winning statement, however it is still not ideal. It would also not have been a problem if she could take defeat graciously.
Yesterday we went for a bike ride, I was on foot. We had a race to a pole and the first race she won and gloated. The second race I pipped her at the post and she cried that it wasn't a race and she didn't want to race and I always win. I explained that she needed to learn to be a good loser before she could be a good winner and the way to be a good loser was to firstly finish the race, and secondly say "congratulations" and shake hands. Then the good winner says "That was a good race" or "Well done" and shakes hands.
She said several times for the remainder of the bike ride "I'm a bad loser." I said she was but all she had to do to be a good loser was to shake hands and say "Congratulations" She refused and was still in tears when we got home.
After school pick up, I put my seat belt on before she did and then demonstrated just how horrible a bad winner can be. She began to cry again and I asked her if I was being a good winner and if she enjoyed it. She shook her head and cried properly so I went round and gave her a cuddle. Then we got back in the car and I put my belt on first again and said "Good race, now you say congratulations and we shake hands." She did and had a little laugh.
We have thus begun the journey to learning good sportsmanship.

One other thing, The 7 yr old challenged me to a karate fight. He though he could win based on the fact he plays with lego and watches TV. I figured maybe not based on the fact that I have done 3 yrs of Karate. After we had a little spar and I got him on the ground a couple of times, I went to put a handful of rubbish in the bin. At the right moment I turned and blocked the charge he made at my back and told him that attacking when your opponents back is turned is bad sportsmanship. A bit later he apologized for it, I wasn't upset and I did not ask him to, that makes me very happy and we made up.

Good sportsmanship

How do we teach children good sportsmanship? I reckon it is true that we can't be good winners till we can be good losers. This means I am not above beating a 5 yr old in a race. I discovered this a few years back, when I would let the little boy I was caring for win and he was downright insulting afterwards. I decided I was not going to stand for this so I won. I ran at my full speed and he was left far behind. He may not have been left so far behind if he had continued running, however as soon as he saw I was in front, he stood and cried. Screamed actually. I don't remember if I went back for him or not, however I told him he should have finished the race. I was also teaching him the correct verbal responses to win or lose outcomes. These were "Good race" and "congratulations"

Over a few weeks, I continued to win races and then would turn around before he could have a tantrum and cheer him to the finish line, we practiced congratulating each other. I don't remember how this ended but if I was intelligent, I would have let him win to see how he reacted. If he was insulting again, we would have gone back to square one, if he was gracious, then he had learnt the basics of good sportsmanship.

Now I tell children that winning is not as important as finishing the race or game. This helps them if, in a competition against peers, they don't come first. I tell them I am proud of them for finishing. However bad sportsmanship may not even be as clear as it was with the little boy described above. It may just be a smug look, or grizzles and tears over not winning. The same strategy should still work.
Also I am not saying we should crush their hopes by winning by miles every time, just bring them to earth in humbleness. Then, when it is time to let them win again, allow them to pip you at the post, this will give them the satisfaction of a hard won success and will keep them humble in their victory.

Finishing Properly

With projects, common practice for most people is to start them and be very keen until about 2/3 of the way through, then it is passed over in favour of the next project.

This also happens with children. I have often vented about people beginning the discipline tantrum cycle and not seeing it through (giving in) but I have never realized the reverse is as important. What I mean is, finishing pleasant things or every day routines properly. For example if you say to a child "You can read till whatever o clock and then I will come and give you a kiss and turn off your light" You need to remember at the specified time to go and tuck in your child and let them know it is time to sleep.
This is not just about timetables, it is about keeping promises. If you say "Go jump into bed and I will tuck you in soon" and then forget and your child falls asleep waiting, what does that say to your child.
This can also be, we can't read a story now but we will this afternoon, or we are too busy to do that today, maybe we can do it tomorrow. It is easy to forget these, I have forgotten many, however it is important to fulfill even longer term promises.
However I can't understand (because I am a child oriented person) how people can forget that they haven't finished their immediate interaction with their child. I understand they get busy doing other things, but I can't settle down until I know I have finished what I started, both pleasant and unpleasant.

1000 unfinished craft projects are not important. Try the same with children and they will learn what level priority they are in your life.

Trying new things

How do we encourage small children to try new things, to risk failure, to risk a sad outcome, to risk discomfort. There are some strategies that people use, the most common being to hype them up, both the child and the event. This has massive drawbacks because the child then has expectations that, if not met, cause devastation and disappointment, even if nothing bad happened at the event.
Another less used strategy might be to tell them as little as possible and let them find out for themselves. This also is not great, I rarely like to do something I know nothing about. When preparing for my first beach mission for example, I wanted a blow by blow description of what each hour of each day would hold.

I think the best way is to create a pattern where new things are tried regularly, with a choice not to, and accepting the natural consequences of trying each thing. Trying a new food may have the consequence of liking it or not liking it. If a child does not want to try an optional event or food, just say "OK, it is Simon's turn now then" and move on without a fuss. That way she will see that her decision not to try was firstly respected, and secondly did not receive any attention.

The worst things to do seem to be to firstly push the child into trying. This may mean that, even if the new thing is fun (like a water slide) they will choose not to enjoy it on principle. They may think they genuinely didn't enjoy it, then blame you for making them do something they didn't want to do. Secondly gushing and attending their tears with "Thats ok, you can have a lolly" This draws attention to and embarrasses the child in tears. A quite hug if the child reaches tears on their own, otherwise d not making a big deal of it is a good strategy.

I remember times when I accidentally cried in public, people crowd around so you can't escape, they ask you what the matter is requiring talking, they tell you that is no reason to cry (obviously it was) they tell you to stop crying. None of these are helpful, a quiet shoulder or by myself is best. I especially hate attention being drawn to it. If a child is crying because of perceived failure, they will also not want attention drawn to it.

Everyday new things to try with children to develop a pattern of easily trying and making decisions about new things might be:
Foods, active games, water fights, tickle fights, water slides, diving through legs in the pool, feeling different textures and substances, sleepovers, pillow fights, tasting different things, cooking new things, going new places, meeting new people.

They need to be new but not compulsory. Getting on a plane may be new, but it is also compulsory if the whole family is going somewhere.

Routines

Routines are amazing, hard to set up and easy to lose, but when they do their job they make life so much easier for everybody. Even just relaxing about the times a routine has to happen can mess the whole thing up for the day. For a while the routine has been waking up the slow waker at 630 so that he can be useful when we need him. Then from 7 till 730 the kids get ready for school and if they are ready by 730 they get a tick for pocket money. Then they do piano practice then play till school.
Lately though the wake up has been after 7 and this in turn makes it harder for night owl children to sleep at night. Then it is playing and watching tv while getting ready. The routine that is well set up takes a few days to undo but one day we wake up and it is completely gone. Today for example, breakfast wasn't even begun being organized until 730, then when it was time to leave two children were still in their pyjama's and one hadn't cleaned their teeth.

Routines don't keep themselves. They need an adult with a watch to ensure that people are doing what they are meant to be doing. We can be lulled into a false sense of security though because routines can get momentum to keep going for a little while even without someone pushing it. However without somebody reminding and pushing it along, it can roll to a complete standstill and can be very hard to restart afterwards.

Excitement

How lenient should we be when dealing with excited, nervous children? I tend to harden up and become an impenetrable wall of boundaries around them, constantly insisting that they do as they are told.

I think that we can teach children that obedience is required however excited they are, however noisy talk, excited laughing and other evidences of excitement warrant grace.

Today was the day for a piano concert for the four year old girl. Much blame for her behaviour must go to the adults hyping her up about her concert, the pretty dress, and the song she would play. This was a means to an end to get her to practice the song. However this meant that I was dealing with the Queen of Sheba this morning when I was getting her ready. She hid coyly, peeped out around cupboards "shyly" and pretended to be a scared little waif when I asked her to do anything. She was, for want of a better phrase, full of her own importance. After she had performed her piece she went to sit with her grandfather, she sat still enough initially but shortly began playing cats under the chairs while other children were playing their pieces. I took her out to have words with her and she defiantly turned her head and body away. I was very cross and told her she had been rude, she said sorry and we went in. The cutesy behaviour did not stop. After the awards and certificates were handed out, she was clinging to her mothers skirt and refused to have a photo.

All this was manipulative and not her normal self. Some could be explained by excitement, however most of it was rude or disobedient and needed to be treated as such. On the way home, after she had eaten, she was largely settled and beck to her normal self. Hopefully the return to earth will be speedy and last a while. The arrogance was similar to that of birthday children who believe the world ought to revolve around them for the day.

Thoughtless whinges

The little one I look after has a staple whinge that she has  realized gets a reaction. Not always a positive one, but occasionally when we are not twigging on, we give into what the whinge says. What she says, the moment she is asked to do something from piano practice to going to bed is, "But I didn't get any playing time" The usual response is, "well you will get some after", or "Yes you did, you had 2 hours of it" or "OK you can have 5 more minutes". All of these responses either gives her attention or even worse, what she most desires, to not do what she is asked to immediately. Today I worked out a strategy.

I feel that the problem is she is taking privileges as rights. It is her "right" to have as much playing time as she desires. It is also her "right" to sit directly in front of the heater to get dressed after a bath. This means that the automatic vocalization from her mouth the moment she sits down in front of the heater is "I didn't get any aaaaiiiiiiirrrrrrrrr"
The solution then, is to remove these privileges until she can stop whinging about them. Today, after a bath and before dinner, she was not free to play. After dinner she went to bed. I saw it coming and gave her a fighting chance by telling her not to grizzle about playing time, but she did. I told here she wouldn't get any tomorrow either. Unfortunately this is a largely empty threat since I won't be here tomorrow, however it had the desired effect and she didn't grizzle about playing time again.
When she whined about the heater, I removed that privilege too and she was not welcome to put on her pajamas's in front of a heater. She cried piteously about how cold she was and I believe her, however she stubbornly did not put on her P.J's until I put on the timer. I did not allow her to sit in front of the heater.

I am tired of whinges and grizzles desiring things she will already get, or that she already has. It is also the same at dinner. Her brother says he wants to sit next to her. The next thing out of her mouth is "But I want to sit next to ...  ) This is the same brother who just nominated her as a sitting partner. I will make her sit alone next time she has a grizzle asking for something she has.

The sound of sin dying

When I was still living at home, about four years ago, a young couple at church with their two young children, began teaching me how to parent. They did not do this intentionally, or even consciously, but they did indeed add to what I had learnt from mum. One night after church, the mum had just informed her toddler boy of a fact he did not seem impressed with. I think it may have been "We need to go home now" when the boy had been enjoying himself with his grown up friends. The result of this was the most enormous tantrum, one of the screaming child needing to be carried out. It was so large and so unexpected that most people turned to see what the matter was. His mum looked around and said apologetically "This is the sound of sin dying".

I have liked that description of tantrums and I think it has helped me when my various charges have busted a wobbly in public. While waiting for one of the kids at dancing, a friend was talking about the tantrum that would erupt from her boy if he found out that lollipops had been consumed without him. I said "We might hear the sound of sin dying?" She seemed confused so I quickly explained about the mum back home and she laughed and agreed that it was good.

WHEN a child in your care chucks a tantrum in a public place, like church, a park, the library, the shops, at the traffic lights, at the beach, at grandparents house, at a friends house, at bedtime, when visitors are over, at dinnertime, bathtime, lunchtime, breakfast time, teeth cleaning time, bible study time, school time, home time. Just remember that it is the sound of sin dying and ALL other adults are backing you up to not give in. They would almost always rather let the child scream his way out of the library then for you to give in. I have had several people make impressed noises and give sympathetic glances when I am dealing with a tantrum.

There is one thing that gets up my nose, that is people who see a screaming child, clearly in your care, and ask what the matter is. This is never helpful as it interrupts the course of the tantrum and either freaks the child out, or gives her undeserved sympathy. When I was dealing with such a tantrum at school, a "helpful" mother asked my little girl what was the matter. I felt unwilling to explain and, being less intelligent and less Godly then my friend said "Oh don't worry, these are tears of happiness". It was a stupid careless thing to say. I hope to next time say "This is the sound of Sin dying"

Destroying enjoyment

Why is it that a plan that originated to allow us to get the most out of something, ends up destroying the pleasure of it altogether. I found this with English at school. I was happily enjoying movies and books and then English came along and we analysed them to find out what they were saying. It has taking years for me to stop accidentally analyzing movies and books.

I am finding the same with the homework for the 5 yr old. It is meant to assist the child to get more out of the books we read, he is meant to hear a book and draw a sequence from the book, beginning, middle, end. Because it is hard to get him to recall ANYTHING that happened in the book, this task has become a nightmare. Instead of being able to enjoy reading to him, I am feeling the pressure of producing this homework with him. I am not experienced with homework for small children but I can't help but feel that it is making reading work instead of pleasure.

My approach has not been even remotely helpful, however putting unnecessary stress into what should be a wonderful time of shared pleasure, will remove any possibility of developing a love of reading.

Why do we need to make everything a "learning experience" Why can't 3 yr olds just play with playdough, or draw spirals and squares, why can't a 5 yr old just have stories read to him, why can't 10 yr olds enjoy being read to though they can already read, why must everything be about proving that learning happened? Learning is happening whenever children are awake. We don't need to make it hard work.

Comprehension

I blame and thanks my mother for this. Because I have always been able to understand and remember what books, movies and bible passages are about, I assume that everybody can automatically do the same. Last night I was thinking about it though and maybe it was not just a natural thing for me.

When I was little, mum used to read the bible with the four of us at the beginning of each day as part of our home education. The pattern was simple, read the passage, select a child to tell in their own words what the passage was about, then ask the others if there was anything to add. Then memory verse learning and remembering, then reading You Can Change the World, then prayer. This did me many favours for later in life. Firstly it helps me to retain things I hear and read, I am an auditory learner so this is perhaps easier for me. Secondly I still remember some of the memory verses and I still remember the books of the bible. Thirdly it helped me at bible study later on to remember what the passage said and to work out what it means. I am still better at story passages then at poetry but it is a start.

Now it is my happy job to help a 5 yr old to comprehend what he is hearing when we read a book. Ask him any question and the answer is "I don't know". For homework we need to read the same book every day for a week then he needs to draw pictures about what happens in the book. He needs to draw the beginning, middle and end. This is like pulling crocodile teeth and it is hard to get him to do anything. I am also finding that the enjoyment of reading is leaving me when we need to do this. I am going to try something else and read a different book every day and ask him what is one thing that happened in the book. I will try it for 2 weeks and see if he gets more brave about it. It will need to be at bedtime reading because his brother and sister but in and "help". Will let you know how it goes.

Going out

On Fridays, occasionally, we go to a friends house after school for a play. It is strange that taking kids to a friends house is just as hard (but different) to having them home. When out, there is automatic entertainment (and luckily baths and dinner). However, tired over excited children, who crash like shooting stars (suddenly and spectacularly), are generally the result. This afternoon we met one of my friends at the kids school for a little picnic on the grass while the traffic cleared, and then since we all knew each other, went to another friends place for a play. Some of this was pre organised. I have 3 children and they have 2 and then there were 3 adults that increased to 5 and none of us was the man of the house. All up there were 10 people in that house for dinner. I take my hat off to the incredible lady who rolled with the waves and managed it all.

We had to leave at 6pm partly because of leaving them in peace and partly because we all needed time to bring the children back to earth. On the way home I told the kids I was impressed by their behaviour, being polite, saying thankyou, packing away toys. I also told them that teeth and bed were imminent In spite of complete exhaustion from the younger two kids, all pleaded not tired and asked to stay up. They did not argue very energetically about it though and we had no dramas.

Living In

I have an interesting difficulty shared by all borders. I am aware that families need family time and that I am a distraction for small children. As a result of this I either spend the weekends at the beach and church or, preferably, at a friends house and church. I am blessed to have friends here who have me over to their house often and let me stay with them in the holidays.

While discussing who the 3 yr old wanted to invite to her party, she said to me about 6 times in the conversation "Juwia are you coming to my birthday" I said yes, because I am. She kept double checking and I kept saying yes. I was talking about it with her mum later and she said that I am very important to her daughter and because I am out so many Saturdays and Sundays she just wanted to check.

I will still make space for the family and go out when possible, but I will DEFINITELY go to important things like birthdays.