Accidental Learning

Children accidentally learn all the time. By reading them stories, they are learning why and how to read. By letting them cook with you, they are learning to cook. By letting them draw, they are learning to write. By writing letters to friends while they watch they learn why to write. By reacting badly to stress, they learn to yell and get angry. By swearing and name calling, they learn the same. By saying I love you, they learn to say I love you. By smiling they learn to smile. By hearing music, they learn to make music.

Adults are less prone to accidental learning, we need more instruction and guidance as we are more afraid to get things wrong. To be sure children need instruction and guidance for many of these as well, but less so then adults.

Every week I take the boys to their violin lesson. I learn the techniques as they do so I can better help them practice. I have played their violins, teaching myself songs and practicing the fingering and bowing. Yesterday I downloaded song sheet music of songs that I like and began to learn to play them on the violin. It is lots of fun though harder then it looks to even get a smooth sound from the bow.

I already knew a bit about how to read music but I am learning how to play the violin by accident. I am by no means very good at it.

Destroying enjoyment

Why is it that a plan that originated to allow us to get the most out of something, ends up destroying the pleasure of it altogether. I found this with English at school. I was happily enjoying movies and books and then English came along and we analysed them to find out what they were saying. It has taking years for me to stop accidentally analyzing movies and books.

I am finding the same with the homework for the 5 yr old. It is meant to assist the child to get more out of the books we read, he is meant to hear a book and draw a sequence from the book, beginning, middle, end. Because it is hard to get him to recall ANYTHING that happened in the book, this task has become a nightmare. Instead of being able to enjoy reading to him, I am feeling the pressure of producing this homework with him. I am not experienced with homework for small children but I can't help but feel that it is making reading work instead of pleasure.

My approach has not been even remotely helpful, however putting unnecessary stress into what should be a wonderful time of shared pleasure, will remove any possibility of developing a love of reading.

Why do we need to make everything a "learning experience" Why can't 3 yr olds just play with playdough, or draw spirals and squares, why can't a 5 yr old just have stories read to him, why can't 10 yr olds enjoy being read to though they can already read, why must everything be about proving that learning happened? Learning is happening whenever children are awake. We don't need to make it hard work.

After the kids had eaten dinner last night, I was in a position to observe the different opinions of what condiments are for at dinner time. 

Here we have the child who thinks BBQ sauce is for looking at, to make the plate look better, like garnish.

Here is the child who thinks sauce is for food to swim in

 Here is the grown up who decided to extend her artistic talent in the leftover sauce

strange attachment

Clearing the bench to cook one day and we noticed that the spoon was becoming very friendly with the paper

Even under the stress of the gravitational pull, they remained fast friends until a set of firm fingers finally came between them

They never saw each other again

So much potential

I was cleaning up the plastics cupboard the other day and found, to my slightly confused delight, a platebowl. I considered that this is the kind of thing invented by a genius for camping since one item could beautifully be doubled as both a plate and a bowl.

I did suspect that the said inventor had not thought through the problem of dripping from the already used part of the device. I questioned the owner of the item and, disappointingly enough, discovered it is actually a special cake plate. What a disappointing revelation. Also just one more bulky item used for only one purpose and always forgotten at the opportune moment, like when one has cooked a cake.

Patience

Is apparently a thing I am lacking when I feel like people are not trying. This is not when they actually can't do a thing, just when they don't try. This is because I know that they can do what I am asking, or that they will enjoy doing what I suggest. Unfortunately it is fear of failure which prevent people, including children, from attempting things. Then, when I am impatient and easily frustrated, they begin to worry more about getting it wrong and not even trying. The safe thing to do is to say "I can't" or "I don't know". The thing to do to help with this is to give them victories and wins. Prove to them that what you said about their abilities is true. That when you say they will enjoy something, that they will.

I suppose this is down more to trust. If they trust that I will not shame them when they make a mistake, or growl at them for getting it wrong, they will try more and more to have a go. AAAARGH!!!!!!

I will need to practice much patience and love and encouragement.

Misplaced Modesty

Not talking about clothing here. Modest clothing is never misplaced. I am talking about how to graciously accept thanks and praise for a job well done. I have swung through various fazes of responses, none of them very beneficial to me or others. My responses have ranged from "Are you teasing me or do you genuinely think it was good?" Not in those words but that was the intent behind, to "I know I am amazing!!!!" I don't say this in a serious way.

The thing about compliments though is they are pleasant to give, and they take practice, so a gracious, encouraged response is beneficial to both parties. For the complimenter, they will know that they have done something loving and uplifting, and may well continue to spread the love to others. For the complimentee they will practice humility in accepting the compliment humbly and will be encouraged by the compliment rather then brushing it off. Also accepting a compliment teaches how to give compliments.

Things I have noticed about compliment receiving and giving. Firstly they need to be true and considered, not just the first thought that pops into the head as they tend to be shallow. A real compliment is considered carefully and delivered thoughtfully with the goal to encourage the other person. Secondly, it cannot sound or be condescending. This is especially easy to accidentally do when complimenting children. A carefully considered compliment will not generally sound shallow and condescending. Thirdly, if all intelligent responses to a compliment fail? A smile and a thankyou are pretty much ideal as a response.

At youth group the other night, the host said that desert was just cake and ice-cream. We nodded and said that would be lovely. When we were clearing the plates from the table, we saw the cakes and they looked really good, they were covered in sliced up chocolate bars. "OHHHH" we said "Justcake and ice-cream" It has become and understatement joke among the group and we still refer back to the night we had "Justcake"

Manly men

I love it when men are manly in a serving and Godly and caring way. Teaching boys and young men to serve others and demonstrate gentlemanly behviour is valuable. It is very lovely to see it in action. Holding doors, allowing others to go first, offering to carry heavy things, these are all excellent ways to demonstrate Godly manliness.
Therefore some mocking was deemed appropriate the other week at youth group. Each week we meet at somebodies house for a meal and the bible study. After a really nice dinner, the lady who hosted us and the seniour, male, youth group leader decided that the moving of a couch was necessary for personal space and comfort during the study. One of the boys wandered in and offered assistance. A few seconds later the three of them returned with the couch and to my surprise I notice that the lady and the boy were carrying it.  I could hardly breathe for laughing and it was some time before the study could get underway.

Pointing stuff out.

I prefer to live in blissful ignorance about unimportant or annoying thing then to have some observant person pointing it out. I am not going to say I am the most observant person in the world, or even in the room I am in. Therefore I am usually in blissful ignorance about the buttchins on actors or the irritating inconsistencies in movies. Heather, my very close sister, is quite observant in ways I am happy not being. Today for example, having visited me only once before,  she pointed out that most of the cars here have a BSN number plate. I had not noticed this but then we saw that 5 of the cars in the church parking lot had that number plate and 2 of the 4 cars at my friends place were BSN numbers.

Thanks to my sister, I will now notice something I was blissfully unaware of.

Playing things up

There are two inclinations with little children doing things for the first time, there is the child who decides early on in the piece he hates it, before he even sees it, and therefore proves himself right in the event. Then there is the child who looks forward to something for so long that, when it is not exactly how he expected it to be, he cries.

Both of these need different preparation as a lead up, neither should be over the top. For the child who decides he won't like anything, tell him that it will be fun because ... Then tell him that he needs to have a go and then he can tell you he doesn't like it. Be a bit wise about this promise, if it is sport or something that takes a while to like, is good for him, or hard, he needs to do it anyway. For the child who gets excited about high expectations then cries, don't tell him anything unless he asks, then tell him only what you know to be true. He may still get huge ideas about what it will be like and how fun it will be, but these will not be diminished by telling him only the good amazing results of the event.

With children, warn them early if there will be anything unexpected, encourage them to have a go where possible, plan to sit and watch the first time and tell them they can't join in this week but maybe next time.

Comprehension

I blame and thanks my mother for this. Because I have always been able to understand and remember what books, movies and bible passages are about, I assume that everybody can automatically do the same. Last night I was thinking about it though and maybe it was not just a natural thing for me.

When I was little, mum used to read the bible with the four of us at the beginning of each day as part of our home education. The pattern was simple, read the passage, select a child to tell in their own words what the passage was about, then ask the others if there was anything to add. Then memory verse learning and remembering, then reading You Can Change the World, then prayer. This did me many favours for later in life. Firstly it helps me to retain things I hear and read, I am an auditory learner so this is perhaps easier for me. Secondly I still remember some of the memory verses and I still remember the books of the bible. Thirdly it helped me at bible study later on to remember what the passage said and to work out what it means. I am still better at story passages then at poetry but it is a start.

Now it is my happy job to help a 5 yr old to comprehend what he is hearing when we read a book. Ask him any question and the answer is "I don't know". For homework we need to read the same book every day for a week then he needs to draw pictures about what happens in the book. He needs to draw the beginning, middle and end. This is like pulling crocodile teeth and it is hard to get him to do anything. I am also finding that the enjoyment of reading is leaving me when we need to do this. I am going to try something else and read a different book every day and ask him what is one thing that happened in the book. I will try it for 2 weeks and see if he gets more brave about it. It will need to be at bedtime reading because his brother and sister but in and "help". Will let you know how it goes.

More church music

After reading a comment on my last music post, I thought of all this as well.

 I have also noticed, being on the music team in my old church, that musicians get tired of a new song three times quicker then the congregation. This is obviously because first we need to learn it, then we practice it during the week leading up to the service, then we run through it once or twice before church begins, then the congregation joins in. For each time the congregation sings a sing, the musicians play and sing it at least 3 times. This means that as the congregation begins to like the new song, the band is bored and begins to change things round, or drops it altogether in favour of another new song.

I have been to churches almost every Sunday since I was born, thanks to mum and dad. When I go to a new church, a lot of how welcome I will feel is based on whether I recognize the songs. Not like, or know by heart, but recognize. If I can draw the tune up from the depths of memories from my early church years, I sing along and am happy. Standing in a congregation knowing none of the song that are sung is very alienating. It is nice to know at least one.

This means that continually introducing new songs and never playing older, more widely spread songs is a bit harsh on visitors and the congregation alike.

writing bible studies

I have never given a sermon, I hopefully never will, but a sermon is essentially telling people what this passage of the bible means. The Holy Spirit helps the preacher to understand and to put it into words. Writing a bible study is different. It is working out what the passage means and then writing questions to assist a group to also work out what it means.

Bible study writing is safer, I think, because it is harder to accidentally teach heresy. However it does not make it easier. How to write questions to invite discussion on the right topics, not, for example, social lives. How to get a structure that helps the overall passage make sense, structure and I are not friends at the best of times. How to word questions to make them understandable.

Then leading the bible study is a whole other barrel of laughs. I have only led teens but the variety of bible knowledge, attention span, focusing ability, and ability to say something that may be wrong or only nearly write at the risk of being thought a fool, is the same as in an adults bible study. Adults may have a longer attention span then teens (or they pretend they do) but they also suffer from "what if I get it Wrong" disease. "Talking over the top of others" syndrome (I suffer from this a little), and the dreaded "I have spoken the correct answer so let us move on" difficulty. I have encountered all these and more while leading youth bible studies. The difficulty is to encourage the over confident kids to allow the less confident kids to answer, especially if it is an easier question. Not to say that quieter kids are less smart, it is just nice to give them a victory occasionally (this is where I struggle with the talking over the top of others thing).

I suspect that, while heretically safer to write a bible study then a sermon, there are more likely to be disputers in a bible study group then a sermon congregation if one begins teaching that Jesus and God are not even related, both are equally difficult to write. They are also both difficult to teach with, for different reasons.

Sunday Afternoons

I love spending Sunday afternoons with people I like. I like being with people I like most of the time, this is easier if one likes lots of people. Yesterday I had the pleasure of joining in with a family from church who have four daughters and are lots of fun. Just doing normal, everyday stuff, like playing chess, making costumes for the kids dress up things at school, watching a dvd, doing the washing up, talking about anything and everything. Just a very special family-ish time that one misses out on when one is a single in a new place.

Sunday Afternoons by myself can be pleasant if I am in the right mood and I have a movie to watch or a book to read, however I can do that anytime and visiting with people is far more special.

Power of Suggestion

When you mention to a child that you have a sore stomach, they will usually either immediately or a few days later, tell you they have a sore stomach. There is some power in suggestion. This is not to say that they are lying, they may actually have, or believe they have, a sore stomach.

I do this too. My friends explain their illnesses and difficulties and I begin to sort of practice what it would be like to have these. With one friend it was mild epilepsy, not fainting or convulsing, just spacing out for a minute or two. Mum said I was starting to do it too and told me to stop. Recently it has been Anxiety (I say recently meaning last night and the night before) I have been busy lately, I have been iron deficient, and have been sleeping not brilliantly and I have been feeling anti social. Because I have been out every night for a week and except for tonight and look forward to many more busy times, I was starting to feel anxious. Now usually I take things one at a time and it doesn't worry me, also I look forward to everything that I do. However last night on the way home from bible study I was getting myself into a mild panic by thinking about how many nights in a row I had out plus full days of work. I was not thinking helpfully, it was going in circles and mounting up higher, thinking about what had already been done and what still needed doing. I made myself calm down and remember that I was getting a whole day and evening where I only needed to be out once to collect the kids.

What I found interesting was that I was only getting anxious because a friend of mine struggles with that and I was copying.

Music Practice

I had forgotten how painful it can be. We had to practice 4 songs tonight for Friday nights youth surge. The others on the team play together often enough but I had never sung with them. This was not a huge drama as I was familiar with most of the songs.

When a singer goes to music practice, she shows up approximately on time (or as near as circumstances allow) and waits while everybody else sets up and tunes their instruments. Then we decide which song to practice first and how many times to do what, this is of interest to the singer so she listens. Then talk moves to who plays which parts, who comes in where, which bits are loud and soft, four or eight bar intro, what chords everyone is doing. The singer is not generally included in this discussion and, understanding little of it, tunes it out. After several minutes of discussion, the music starts, the singer begins at what sounds like the right time, and we are off. About three quarters of the way through the song, the musicians cut out (by agreement) and the singer tries not to falter and hopes it is not because she made a mistake. Happily shortly the music begins again and she is relieved to know it was a "building technique". After the song is sung through once, the musicians begin the "who made which mistake where?" and "I thought we were doing this here" and "maybe if we try this" and so we sing again. If it is a song we are comparatively familiar with, it will end there. However if there is disagreement, confusion, unfamiliarity or lack of concentration, the song (or part thereof) will be repeated several more times.

This is for every one of the four or five songs. Now I do understand that the Musical planning and discussion and co-ordination is important and it would sound TERRIBLE and be a waste of time if there wasn't any, I just wish singers were slightly included in this. I know we are not necessarily understanding of the musical instruments and jargon, but we do understand build and pulling back, the power of just singing, how many times we can repeat the same dopey phrase without strangling somebody. Also I am appreciating the value of a team leader who firstly leads, and secondly understands musical instruments (obviously not me).

Visiting

When we were kids, and friends came over, we played with them. That seems a pretty obvious thing to do. However when going to other peoples houses, I seemed to spend a lot of time watching TV that I was not really interested in because they were. Or worse watching them play computer games and video games. If friends came over, we were not allowed to read, or watch tv (we could not usually do that anyway) or go on the computer. This is because mum's theory was that if we have friends over we should use the opportunity to socialize.

Now I am noticing it is worse then when I was little, now we have amazing phones and music devices that allow us continual access to the internet and to solo entertainment. This recreational activity has it's place in the social life but it should NOT be when you are physically with friends. At youth group, about 1/2 the people get out their phones and check what their friends are up to, look things up on the net, text and play games. The other half are left wondering why we even go out to meet at all. It kills conversation dead because trying to talk to somebody playing with their device is like trying to do things on the internet pre-broadband.  You ask a question and 5 minutes later it filters through and they say "huh?" Even the people who are not using devices are distracted by the fact that half the group are present in body but not in mind.

I am becoming more and more convinced that I do not want a tv in my house if I get married.

Going out

On Fridays, occasionally, we go to a friends house after school for a play. It is strange that taking kids to a friends house is just as hard (but different) to having them home. When out, there is automatic entertainment (and luckily baths and dinner). However, tired over excited children, who crash like shooting stars (suddenly and spectacularly), are generally the result. This afternoon we met one of my friends at the kids school for a little picnic on the grass while the traffic cleared, and then since we all knew each other, went to another friends place for a play. Some of this was pre organised. I have 3 children and they have 2 and then there were 3 adults that increased to 5 and none of us was the man of the house. All up there were 10 people in that house for dinner. I take my hat off to the incredible lady who rolled with the waves and managed it all.

We had to leave at 6pm partly because of leaving them in peace and partly because we all needed time to bring the children back to earth. On the way home I told the kids I was impressed by their behaviour, being polite, saying thankyou, packing away toys. I also told them that teeth and bed were imminent In spite of complete exhaustion from the younger two kids, all pleaded not tired and asked to stay up. They did not argue very energetically about it though and we had no dramas.

(un)helpful information

Is it better to be pre-warned about people or to get a rude shock when they do something? I am completely divided. The intentions of the warner probably have a lot to with the answer, if they merely want to help you not run into trouble regarding another individual there is a possibility it can be useful and not destructive. However if it is to merely colour your opinion of somebody they don't like for whatever reason, or to simply cause difficulty, the obvious answer is NO.

Pre-warnings come in the forms of 1. helpful advice from new acquaintances (at a new school or workplace, somebody usually gives you the rundown of everybodies revolting lives and intimate details of their various sins)
2. Pass on notes between teachers about children they have taught to give the new teacher a heads up.
I imagine there are others but these are the main ones.

I would like to suggest that both of these are negative and rarely help. Unless somebody is in danger from an individual there is no need to warn them about anything purely because you did not get along. I have found that such information given on others tends to colour my opinion of them however hard I try not to let it. Now if the information is positive, this is fine, how nice, kind, funny, loving, generous, thoughtful, helpful, Godly or whatever somebody is, that is uplifting for both the subject of discussion and the discussers. Anything negative though must be classed as slander and gossip UNLESS, out of love, you are warning somebody of the dangers of associating with an individual because of things they have done.

Children can pass through from Kindy to high-school without anyone giving them a chance to prove themselves because each teacher warns the next about the trouble maker. What if it is just that the first teacher they had clashed for whatever reason and otherwise they were fine.

I would much rather make my own opinions of both adukts and children based on my observations, uplifting words about ANYONE are welcome as they may help me to see the good bits of people I struggle with. Negative words are just destructive and unhelpful, I don't want to hear them.  Bearing in mind I am guilty of this on occasion.

Failing

Due to various unforeseen circumstances, my 2 trials had slight bumps in their otherwise smooth roads. Regarding not eating chocolate, my boss took me to the chocolate factory with a visitor we had on Sunday. At the chocolate factory there are massive bowls of chocolate free for the "tasting". I exercised great self control and only had two teaspoonfulls of the little buttons and bought boiled sweets and an Iced Chocolate (so not worth the price.) Also today I had a little bit of rocky road shared by my boss.
Regarding the early morning walking, I fell in a hole on Saturday. I twisted my ankle and it swelled up a bit. Not too much and I could still get around pretty well but I did not even walk to church on Sunday because I would get frowned at by loving people. I therefore did not go for a walk on Sunday or Monday with the boys because it was revolting weather and my foot is still sore.

Walking again

Last night there was a HUGE rainstorm that woke me up. I turned off my alarm because I can't take kids for walks in a massive rain dump. Sadly it was not to be. I woke up naturally a 5:55 and it was not even raining a tiny bit. I woke up the 7 yr old and then, as part of last nights deal, the 5 yr old. It took a long time to argue 7 awake and into his clothes. This was interspersed with getting 5 into his clothes and me into mine. Unfortunately while we were arguing quietly we woke up thee 3 yr old. So she came.

Once we were all ready, and I had written a note to explain the absence of not one three children, we left. As we walked off down the path Annie, the cat, had the same bout of curiosity that the younger kids had about where we go and what we do. She followed us for maybe 2 kilometers around the block, calling out and complaining the whole way. She is a ragdol, that is probably more then she has ever walked in her life.

I am seriously running out of energy because I keep staying up late. However after a tired middle of the week due to too much physical activity, 7 gained more energy at school again. I only have eight more mornings to do before we review if it is still worth doing. Or even before I stop the morning thing and just do afternoon activity to tire him out. I will see how quickly he slips back into a late sleeping pattern.

God is Good

Last night I went with a friend to pray with a lady who was going through a rougher then normal time. We talked and prayed and kept company and left. One of the major prayer points and difficulties was that her overnight caregiver was unwilling to come and work nights any more. This meant massive sleep issues because of feeling unsafe alone in the house. Today God answered that prayer and the caregiver will still work there but will sleep through the night instead of remaining awake. This means my friend can sleep knowing that if anything happens she will have help. I had offered to go and be company but God answered the prayer in another way.

Interesting result

This morning we did not go for a walk, however he was very easy to wake up and he stayed awake in bed reading and playing. This was good because it obviously meant he had run out of sleep. Interestingly though the lack of walk this morning did effect his ability to get ready effectively. He was not as dawdly this morning as normal and he ate breakfast, he just got distracted easily.

Will be interesting to see if he sleeps early enough tonight.

Unfortunate interruption

I have kept up waking the 7 yr old for a walk every morning and even a short walk seems to really help. It is especially effective if coupled with afternoon exercise. Yesterday though was only a short walk in the morning and barely any afternoon exercise because of physical tiredness and lack of time. Last night he was still awake at 9 pm and we a re not sure what time he went to sleep.

This morning he woke up easier but I was too tired to push the walk so I let him have a choice. He decided no obviously. I am fully aware that this will make next time twice as hard however there may not be able to be a next time for a while. In order to support a friend I will not have time in the morning to take him for a walk. I would like to use this morning as a test to see if it is necessary for a walk to wake him up or if plenty of sleep does the trick. I will still keep up that after school activity plan when possible although it does tire out his little brother who insists on keeping up.

Living In

I have an interesting difficulty shared by all borders. I am aware that families need family time and that I am a distraction for small children. As a result of this I either spend the weekends at the beach and church or, preferably, at a friends house and church. I am blessed to have friends here who have me over to their house often and let me stay with them in the holidays.

While discussing who the 3 yr old wanted to invite to her party, she said to me about 6 times in the conversation "Juwia are you coming to my birthday" I said yes, because I am. She kept double checking and I kept saying yes. I was talking about it with her mum later and she said that I am very important to her daughter and because I am out so many Saturdays and Sundays she just wanted to check.

I will still make space for the family and go out when possible, but I will DEFINITELY go to important things like birthdays.

Lovely days

Because of going out to make the most of possibly the last bit of sun before winter, we have had 2 lovely, tiring afternoons. Yesterday we rode to the beach and back, about 3 kilometers round trip. Today we stuck the bikes in the car and took them to a park with a bike track. The boys rode up and down hills for about 45 minutes and the little 3 yr old girl rode carefully around and didn't fall off. This was why we took bikes, yesterday she had a painful stack so we needed to have a go without falling off.

Then we went and got pizza for dinner and took it to the rocks by the water and watched the most stunning sunset I have seen in a long time, complete with pink water, fiery clouds and dolphins swimming close to the shore.

As a result of all this physical activity, I went to sleep this morning at 930 (the only way I could get out of bed was to promise myself a delayed sleep in) and Jake went to sleep by 8 pm tonight. Today he did more exercise then me because he ran in a Macathon at school and rode his bike at the park. Our walk this morning was about 4 kilometers and he was still full of energy this afternoon. He is happier and sleeping better and getting more happy time with me and his mother. I think his concentration is better and he is complaining less about headaches and drinking more water. He is not a fat child, if anything he is skinny, but he has some of the same difficulties overweight people have. Difficulty sleeping, unhealthy, constantly tired, unwilling to move, headaches, picky about eating good food. 


Will see how he copes towards the end of the week or fortnight. This is really hard on his brother and sister because they are getting tireder rather then more energetic.