Accidental decisions

When working with kids, you can't change your mind. If you say no and then think "actually that would be OK" then it is too late because the child will be whining and arguing and pleading and you will teach them that this strategy works. I realized this when I was working in Campbelltown, whatever decision I made regarding what the four yr old was allowed to do I stuck to, even if moments later I thought better of it.

This also goes with punishments for children... or consequences if you like. If you decide on the spur of the moment that this is what will happen when you... and tell that to the child, that is what needs to happen. Even if you realize later that it was harsh or unrelated. If you don't follow through then the child sees that you don't actually mean what you say. This relates to the negative things but I reckon follows through to the positive things. If I lie about this thing I might lie about something more important to the child, like how I feel about him. If I break this promise then I might break another promise. I become untrustworthy. The main thing that this means is that I need to be careful to have considered consequences to ensure that they are not too harsh or irrelevant.

There is one thing I enjoy when training children up, especially when they reap the consequences of their actions, and that is to see the cause and effect link up in their minds even as they argue their case as to why they should get the lolly.

Choices

When working with little kids, we give them choices. This is partly to empower them and help them to feel autonomous while still getting them to do what we want, for example when walking across a road they might get the choice of holding you hand or the pram. This is early decision making training as well and we all know what it is like to make decisions. If we learn early on that decisions mean consequences, either good or bad, that will help later when making bigger decisions.

We give the 3 yr old choices and the conversation goes "You need to have a rest, you can either rest while watching a movie, or rest in bed and play with the babies." Child "No I want to play with these" Carer "No, you have to make a choice or I will make one" Child "No I want to play here" Carer "OK I am deciding bed" Child "Scream scream scream"

Yesterday on the way to Ballet I realized I had forgotten my book to read during the class. I mentioned this and the 3 yr old said "You have a choice, you can read your book at home, or at school, or at dancing... that's your choice that you need to make" Since I didn't have the book with me I chose home. Children use strategies that they see parents using and sometimes it is eye opening for the parent.

Narnia

I am reading the Narnia books to one of the kids I am looking after. We started with The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe because he had it already. Before we started it he said it would be a boring book so I told him some of the things that were really cool in it and we began. He got really into it, it helped I think that I am so familiar with the books I can read it fairly smoothly and with some voices. We finished it and we decided to read the Magicians Nephew next to see how Narnia began. Even though it starts off sort of slowly and seems unrelated he really looks forward to each installment. Last year I read it to one of the kids I was looking after (11 yrs) and she really liked it because it was a prequel and she likes them because they link in with other books she has read.

I decided to draw a map of everything that happens in Narnia and I drew a rough sketch of the whole 7 books on an A3 sheet of paper. Later I got an A4 sheet and the child and I mapped out what happened in the book we had read, then we will stick more pieces on as we read more and extend the map.

Compulsive habits

There is something magical about having a pen in your hand, or a pair of scissors. When I have a pair of scissors in my hand I begin to look around for something to cut. If nothing permissible is in reach, rather then go to find a piece of paper or similar, I begin to carefully cut things that I probably shouldn't, thus the hairs on rugs and carpets in our house are slightly shorter then they should be. You will be pleased to know I am pretty sure I have grown out of this.

The same holds true for holding a pen or pencil. If I have a pen in my hand, something will be drawn on. This usually includes paper but in the past has included walls and furniture (sorry mum). Most often though it is skin, shoes or clothes. Trying to make constellations between freckles on my arm, seeing how many little stars I can draw on my ankle, writing song words on my leg/arm/jeans/shoes, drawing pretty swirly patterns on my hands and for a while there drawing faces on my finger tips.

Tonight at bible study I was doodling on my jeans while listening to prayer points and the lady sitting beside me said I shouldn't draw there. She was slightly turned away from me so when I forgot to not do this after around 5 seconds I drew many little pictures on my knee and she couldn't see. She suddenly looked round once I had stopped for a moment, lifted the paper that was covering the drawings, sighed and removed the pen from my hand. That method is the only way to stop the need to draw or cut if I have a pen or scissors in my hands.

Embarrassing Conversations

I can deal pretty well with embarrassing conversations with kids, as long as grown ups are not listening. Sometimes grown ups have embarrassing conversations but they are different and more 2 sided. With children it stems from confusion or curiosity.

After I had shaved for a cure, there was much discussion among the preschoolers in day care centers I worked at about whether I was a boy or a girl. I had a girl voice and boy hair. Some children just came out and asked and usually about 6 more joined in the conversation, really wanting to know. I would ask a little girl if her hair was all chopped off would she become a boy? She would say no in a "don't be so foolish" kind of voice. I would ask if this boy here grew his hair long would he be a girl? No. So do you think I am a girl or a boy? a little pause and then 9 times out of 10 the would agree that I was a boy.

I recently had one of these awkward situations with a 3 yr old girl at bed time. I was giving her a cuddle as we walked around looking for her babies to sleep with and she patted my chest and said "You have big boobies" I said that I needed them so that if I have a baby I can feed them milk. She asked me if I was pregnant and I said "No I need to get married first" She thought for a bit and said "Well... when you don't have a baby you can stay here"

The only thing to remember about awkward or embarrassing conversations with small children is to pretend like it is normal and answer their questions.

Names

Car names, like nicnames, need to have a story and meaning. I can't just decide to call a person a different name for no reason but with a story behind it, the nicname sticks. Same when naming cars.

The cars I have owned/driven in various times and jobs usually had names. The Music Bus was was our old Verada station wagon and it used to collect the music team and their instruments for church when my sister ran the music. Then there was the Seacow, the nanny car from last year named from the story of Kotick the White Seal in the second Jungle Book, the seacow is the only thing uglier and with worse manners then Seavitch, a seacow is a dugong and the car was a Hyundi Trajet 7 seater so it fitted really well. Then there was Granny and grandfather's car which is still in Maitland and it's number plate is 666 and for a while it made an unusually loud roar for the size of the car so I called it The Beast. Now the family car is called The Dolphin, the kids named it that because it looks like a dolphin and the name fits her beautifully. Lastly the car that I drive has been named Slowy Blue, Slowy was the idea of the 4 yr old, because she is not a very speedy beast, and Blue because of the pony Bluey last year who COULD go fast once he got warmed up but until then there was not much action. I really like Slowy Blue because she is a cross between The Music Bus and The Beast and is 20 yrs old and has little quirks that I get to find out about and learn to work with.

Some names spring forth into the head suddenly and easily but mostly there is a bit of a wait while you work out which name fits best.

Raising Kids

I don't have children, I do look after other peoples children in a very personal way and one thing I love doing is watching other people parent. It is especially good when they pretend to not mind that you are watching, it is especially good when they realize they are teaching by demonstration and also that there is no call for them to be perfect.

I have watched excellent parents deal with and relate to their children for years and I also remember a lot of horrible things mum made us do like house work that I now think is genius. Here are some things that I like and use that I experienced or have seen.

1) Child: "Mum I'm BORED" Mum: "OK then, go and clean the bathroom and if you are still bored after that I will find you another job" (My Mother)

2) Child does a long complaining whinge about the woes of life and their parents decision and the mum says "And did that get you anywhere?" (unknown)

3) Child "But mummy I don't like it" Mum "You need to be grateful for your food and say thank you whether you like it or not." (a Mother who was tired of complaints at every meal)

4) Child "But Juya I don't want to go to bed" Me "You don't need to want to but you still have to go to bed."

5) and the all time favourite- Child "Mum can I please...?" Mum "I'll think about it" (everyone)

I use or plan to use most of these strategies and heaps more including holding toys hostage and time out in bedrooms. The main thing we are struggling with is whining. At the moment repeating the "NO" and sending them away is my strategy. I rarely change my mind for them.

Importance of Church

As a Christian, church is important. It by no means makes you a Christian or makes you stay as a Christian but it helps to remind you of what it is to be a Christian and to bring you the support of like minded people. Someone once told me that nearly all churches do systematic preaching through whole books of the bible. Just so you know this is not true if you don't live in Sydney.

Last year I was in a hard place with not a lot of bible teaching and very reserved shy old people. I like old people and they like me. The main thing I found difficult was the lack of bible teaching, and the change and growth that comes from that. Also, while I was not completely lacking in support both from home and from the people in the church, I had less support then I am accustomed to and struggled to remain humble and teachable. I also really missed out on the young company who can laugh and mock and hear what I am saying.

I went home for the summer holidays and went to CMS Summer School and then Inland Mission in Singleton and just soaked up the teaching and the modeling from other Christians like a dry sponge soaks up water.

Now I am in a church with firstly a preaching plan that goes through whole books of the bible, and secondly in a bible study with some of the loveliest, godliest people I have met. They are fun and humble and one in particular came and took me under her wing and adopted me into her family. I am SO grateful to God for answering prayers and providing love, support and bible teaching and making it a joy to go to church again.

Last year God helped me to see how hard it is in biblical droughts to learn, grow and remain humble. This year he may help me to grow in humbleness while I am serving others.

Camera's and Parents

I am beginning to suspect I will be one of those parents (if God gives me kids) who will have no photo's on to show on their 21st birthdays. Today I took 3 kids to a free church run fair and they rode on a little train and also on the ponies. It was the little girls first time to be brave enough to get on a horse and I should have brought a camera. Then this afternoon they were all on the trampoline jumping under a hose spray and I should have taken a photo. Then tonight I went to the beach to have dinner, a swim, ice-cream and watch the sun set over the sort of water and I realized I should have brought my camera.

Parents seem to always remember camera's and whip them out to catch incredibly cute or meaningful photo's and I watch and think "ah well, it doesn't really matter and the kids don't care."

Tonight was a wonderful night that could have only been improved by company.

Messy Corners

It is interesting that even if a house is mostly tidy, personal mess in corners undoes much of the effect, like having a spotless bedroom and an unmade bed. The corners containing shoes, clothing, toys, important paperwork and treasure are harder to deal with but if I leave them and don't bother cleaning them up then it sort of sets the standard for the non corners. It is ok then to leave things on the floor, table, benches etc as it creeps out from the messy corners.

My housework strategy, such as it is, is to try to generally not leave mess and then when it gets too much, tidy and vacuum everything. It is then very satisfying to see the difference and makes me want to try harder to keep it that way... until it slips through laziness and then the massive clean up.

New Jobs

I have now done nearly 3 weeks in this job and I am continually getting disappointed when I forget to do something, don't realize I should have done something, or handle the kids badly during routine times, not giving 5 minute warnings and things.

I say to myself that I will get better at it, as routines are established and I get more practice at doing the different jobs that need doing but it is still frustrating to need to be told every day that I forgot to do something that I should have done.

Bible Study 2

I have been to church twice here and tonight was my second bible study night. I would recommend bible study to EVERYONE. I love the time to open the bible and learn from God and each other. I love the time to get to know other Christians and to hear about their struggles and joys. I love the time to be out and not at home but to be around like minded people and being reminded I am not alone. I especially love the caring little community that bible studies are, they are the main strategy for people to be cared for in churches and it is brilliant since the role of carer falls to everyone in the group to care for everyone in the group.

Last year I was in a group of older ladies, they really liked me and they enjoyed the fact that "young people" are still Christians. They had been feeling like it was only the old people and I said they were looking in the wrong place. They looked after me like grandmothers do and I looked after them by visiting and eating their food and talking to the about life, the bible and gardens.

Here I am still the youngest but it is by 2 years not 40 yrs, I am loving the socialness, the diversity that the men bring to the group and the genuine love and care of the bible study leaders. I am really grateful to God that there is a bible based church where I can be fed and loved and grown.

Living for Jesus

I am occasionally surprised about what people notice about me. I notice things about other people, things I admire and wish to copy and things I don't admire and try to learn from their lessons and not do things. However I rarely see myself as important enough or interesting enough for others to do the same when observing me. Certainly it is always a shock to find that somebody has talked about me or thought long about something I did and said, especially those things I feel are insignificant like what temperature water I like.

However imagining that nobody notices what I do and say is not actually helpful or even really humble. If we don't understand that others are watching, we will not strive to act Gods plan for the world, or to mirror Gods love. When we assume nobody notices what we say or do then we give ourselves license to say stupid, hurtful things, or to act selfishly, or to be entirely thoughtless about our conduct.

On my first visit to a Busselton church, I wore jeans and a polo shirt. I had put thought into this choice, it was modest and shoes were included in the get up (because I was planning on walking). As I said goodbye to my employer, she said "You not going dressed like that are you?" I said that God did not care what I wore and who else is there to impress but people. She replied that there was no way she would walk out of the house dressed like that. I did anyway and on my way to church I wondered if I had done the right thing. Should I have dressed as she expected in order to open conversation or should I have continued used my clothing as a point about what church is for and why I go.

This simple thing of what to wear, that I had almost entirely thoughtlessly decided on, had the potential to cause her to have less respect for Christians, or to challenge her view of God and life and the important things. We ought not to become paranoid and never do anything, but We should always have a reason for what we do and that reason should be to glorify God.

Sharing

How do you teach kids to share? I have been wondering this for a while because I don't want a child to need to be made to share his toys with another child. This means when asking a child would you like to share your toys with this other child, he needs to be allowed to say no. I, and the other child, need to accept that answer. However, I then might bring to his attention, when he is asking somebody else to share, that this is what it is like on the receiving end of the no, or that this was really friendly of the other child because now you can play together.

My difficulty then is if the child need never ask for another to share because he already has plenty. Today, one of the children came out with about 40 cars in his shirt and holding a car in his hand saying that his sister would not allow him this black car. His sister has about 4 cars. I debated for a little bit about sharing and then when he continued to argue, I made him give me all of his cars for the weekend. He will now need to rely on his brother and sister to lend him cars if he wants to play cars. He will get them back on Monday and hopefully this experience will help him to see other children's point of view when they ask for a car or two to play with.

One thing about needing to teach sharing is to help prevent possessiveness of toys and belongings. The children who don't share use the reasoning that it is mine and if you have it then I won't. I am not saying if there is only one of it they must give it up, or that they must hand over the extra special toy (though both of these actions demonstrate generosity in sharing), rather to foster the thought pattern of "If I have 2 and you have none, I can give you one and we can play together"

I too have some trouble sharing, I am more the type to not let people know that I have something I could share. I am not a good role model for the children in that respect.

Aliens and Strangers

What does it mean to be an alien or a stranger on the earth? 1 peter 2:11 says "Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul." When one travels to another country, one will stand out in looks, mannerisms, language, tone, likes and dislikes, habits, clothes, pretty much everything depending on which country one visits. As Christians, we are required to stand out just as much when we are among non Christians. We will talk, dress, look, like, and act differently to those around us. This is not to condemn but more to demonstrate, we demonstrate Gods way of life and also reflect God's love and purpose through our lives.

When we stand out, either by Godliness or merely international travel, we will be noticed, commented on and potentially even abused for being different.

It is interesting to note that in a way we are aliens in our own bodies, needing to fight against sinful desires that make war on our souls.

We should therefore, while being aliens in our bodies and in the world, expect attacks from others and from sinful desires and constantly remember to turn to God help us out.

I am not good at this, I try on my own for ridiculous lengths of time until Gods pulls me back, but only through Gods strength can we hope to not be sucked back into the world.

It is interesting that somebody receiving a racist comment made me think of this today

Breaking habits

As an outsider entering a house as a child carer, I have some advantages when working with the children that the parents don't have. This is entirely because I am a new entrant into their lives and they don't yet know what I will do and how I will react to different behaviours. They will not waste time in finding out my reactions, the honeymoon period seems to last about 3 days before some serious testing begins. The advantage though that I have over the parents is that the children and I have no history together, the child throws a tantrum more as an experiment and, when it doesn't work, moves on to other strategies. Because a parent has history with the child, the child recalls that once, when I did this, I got what I wanted. This means that if a parent wants to break behaviour patterns between them and their children, they need to work much harder and longer then I do when I am simply setting them up. If whining, or tantrums, or nagging or persistence has worked in the past, the child will take time to realize this is not the case now, and the parent will take time to break their own part in the pattern. Also the children won't want to change a system that is working great for them.

Some things I have noticed;

Winning battles against children is like quitting smoking, every battle won is hard and it brings you one step closer to easier times.

Every battle lost means you need to win 10 to convince the child that this won't actually be a common pattern.

I find it helpful to look at them as battles, the children change tactics like lightning and we need to be ready to counteract them.

Children will always push boundaries just to see if they are still there, holding firm will actually reassure them, they may end up on the floor and screaming, but they will actually like that you are not such a pushover.

Remember as well that children are allowed to "lose it", I lose it sometimes, so can they. Telling them to stop, following them and trying to make it better or yelling at them won't help, just letting them get on with it and cuddling them afterwards is the best way.

One last thing is if you find battles always happen when you need to be somewhere else then feel free to set them up when you have time to follow it through. It is remarkably easy, just ask the child to do something you know she won't want to do. Have strategies in place to deal with the tantrum that will arise, then when she has done the whatever it was, give her a cuddle and say thank-you.

Borrowers

You know how things vanish from where you left them and everyone swears they didn't touch the item? This has happened significantly and bizarrely here twice since I arrived. The first one was a book that was nearly finished and was left on a bed has vanished without a trace. We have looked EVERYWHERE and we still can't find it. That is pretty common you might say, but today, an entire set of school clothes, complete with shoes, vanished from the kitchen floor. There are not many places to hide clothes on a kitchen floor but they vanished. Everybody swears innocence and we have looked all over the place for them.

There is a story written by Mary Norton and it is about miniature people who live in houses and "borrow" small items that they believe won't be missed by the big people. Excepts that a pile of clothes is not the likely target for borrowers, I am tempted to imagine that this is what happened.

Church Camps

In the pleasant land of the east, the different church groups and the schools share house party/weekend away/camp sites, these include Camp Elim and I can't remember what else. As I was driving to guitar lessons today in Busselton though, I passed a lot of camp signs, including "Baptist camp site" and "Seventh day adventist camp site" and about 6 others. I thought it odd that we can't, for example, share. I mean it is not like we all have a camp every weekend, we could probably manage to organize it so our weekend aways are not at the same time. It works in NSW and I think it says a lot about denominational pride that there are separate camping sites. Almost like separate graveyards when it doesn't even matter because we will be dead when we are there.