Scar

That Missy Higgins song Scar is one I extremely didn't like at all when I was younger. I still don't particularly like Missy Higgins now, but I quite like that song. This song is helpful to me because it fits well. I have not made a mess of my life (yet) and God has not thrown any huge challenges at me (yet), but it still fits.

I am a strange person, different and unexpected to what people think I should be like. I am also annoying in some ways and loud and happy and excitable. Some things I am fine with people suggesting changes, selfishness, pride, laziness whatever. They are not positive traits and, while I do not enjoy hearing about them, I do want to change those. The aspects of my character that I get very resentful about people trying to change are the ones that make me me. My laugh, my loud energy, my happiness, skipping, running, the way I dress, my talking, my singing. None of these are bad or wrong in me, I do not dress immodestly, just boringly, and for most of the other things, I work with children, it is good.

A few years ago I had real trouble with being ridiculed into changing who I am. I got mocked and told off for skipping across paddocks, (it was quicker) I got teased for being loud and excitable. I got in trouble for dancing at a concert with the little boy because of what other people would think. I regularly got told, by the parents I worked for and the children, that I was not very grown up. Most of the time I was able to brush these off but occasionally I got upset and felt pressured into changing into someone I did not want to be. At these times, Scar was very helpful for expressing how I felt.

Gladly this is not happening now (much) though I do nothing to discourage it. I suspect my Non Grown Upness is my outer identity at church and with friends. I am very capable and competent at work.

Invite? or not

When you have an insanely busy friend or a distant friend, do you invite them to things? Opinion seems to be divided based on the inviter or the invitee. I am not usually an insanely busy person however I do work for such people and they tell me they would rather be invited and need to decline then be not invited based on the fact they are always busy. When you get invited somewhere it shows you are remembered and thought of and your company is desired. You then say no because you are too busy.
The inviter feels like she is always chasing and asking and being rejected. Understanding that her friend is busy helps a bit but she begins to wonder if she is being a bother to her friend. She stops inviting her and the busy person has lost another friend.
This is a one sided relationship, one is chasing and one is running away. It is tiring and jading for the inviter to always hear no from her friend.
There are times though when I have invited a friend based on the fact that I knew she wouldn't be able to come, not to say I didn't want her to (that would have been great) but because she was a shift worker and I wanted her to feel loved. Saying that, she organized a social life around her unpredictable life, continually inviting people over for dinner and movie nights and similar.
I think that inviting a busy person with the expectation of refusal but happy if they agree is the way to go. This would work best with a group invitation so you are not left in the lurch.
If you are the busy person, say yes or invite people when you have time. It can be a long lonely life without friends.

Loving People

I have held a theory for a while that we are meant to function in a kind of honeycomb of mutual care. I say honey comb because they have hexagons. 

If we are lone hexagons, we do not need to care for other people and can focus on caring for ourselves. There is some perceived personal safety in this, we do not need to risk "wasting love" on "unworthy" people. Also we do not need to risk opening up to anyone for them to hurt us and use information against us. This, while seemingly "safe" has a whole host of problems of it's own. What do you do when life goes pear shaped. How do you cope when things get to be too much. Shallow relationships with passers by do not  satisfy our need for companionship and love.  

However if we love and care for a few friends close to us, then they love and care for the people close to them, and so on, slowly the circle spreads. 6 is not a necessary number, it is just that hexagons fit nicely together. If you love and care for, for example, 6 people, and 6 people love and care for you, then you will have 6 times the love and care as you are giving and will find you are able to give more. 

the problem with only loving and caring for 1 or 2 people is that if they can't or don't love and care for you, you can burn out. The trouble with loving and caring for 60 people is that you spread yourself too thin. This is not to say you ignore anyone other then the chosen few, just that your close circle can't be too big.

If one of your close friends is having a time of neediness, and can't love and care for you in return, having other friends who can care for you and share the burden is important. 

This model, one that has been part of churches in the form of bible study care groups. Loving a few people in a lot of ways. 

Generosity in Poverty

It is interesting that we tend to be selfish in our abundance. It is therefore strange that we tend to be generous in our poverty. Logically it ought to be the other way round, I don't have much so I can't share with you, or, now I have lots, I can share.

Today, one child had a kind of "healthy" lolly snack and because he flapped it in the face of his brother, I broke a bit off and said he now needed to share it with his brother because his brother hadn't gotten one that day. I did not mention that their sister should be shared with, I knew she had had one earlier that day. So the scene is set, one child has a large lolly, the second child has a token amount, (2 inches to 10 inches) The second child looks at his sister, breaks his small bit in half, and gives some to his sister.

This is a fascinating aspect of human nature, God gives gifts, and we are to share what he gives. Sometimes, the more he gives, the more we hoard, thinking that there is a limited supply. This puts God in a box of inability, assuming he can't or won't look after our needs so we need to look after our selves. This is not how God intends us to be, because of sin, we turn God's gifts into possessions we feel we deserve and need to keep and use for ourselves. Thankfully, God's spirit enables us to look past ourselves and to notice that, while we feel we don't have much, other people have less. While we feel we ought to look after ourselves first, it is better to care for and love other people.

Stinginess in plenty is just one more way in which we/sin have messed up God's good order of things.

Girlness

I have been thinking over my life of the last few years and I am realizing that I am entirely surrounded by women. People I talk to at church are generally women, Bible study is predominantly women, my friends and largely women, I work for and with women. The only times that it evens up or the male count overtakes the female count is on mission. This is 9 days long, for the rest of the year, women.

I like women, I learn from women, I enjoy the company of women, however I am feeling the lack of male friendship. Except for on mission, the men seem to huddle up together and ignore single women. Most of the men I know are married and have wives to care for and children to bring up. However That does not mean that they are a different species to me. There is a tendency, when I go to a married friends house, that the husband thinks to himself "Here is my wife's friend, I will let them do girl stuff together and go off to do my own thing." This is unhelpful to single women who then begin to think "Maybe I am single because there is something wrong with me, even the married men won't have a conversation with me"

Because of the total lack of men my own age in my life, I noticed that the first time I went on beach mission, I was over excited and silly about being near and getting to know single men. It was not helpful to me to not have had practice relating to men, single or otherwise. I was relieved to find some of my female friends at church had found the same thing themselves when relating to the single men. As the years progressed, and we got more practice, we became more natural. However 9 days in a year is not very satisfactory. It would be like having one day of eating per week. Massive pig out, then nothing.

Location has had a lot to do with this situation, last year not only was the congregation female, and bible study female, but they were old as well. The only blokes I got to speak to were to two young men who worked in the co-op. When I did the shopping, they would come and talk to me, probably similarly thrilled at there being a young interesting person in the town.

When I went to karate last week, the entire class was male. They were polite and took an interest in me and were generally friendly. It was this more then anything that made me contemplate and realize the lack of men in my social circles

Free Entertainment

A few families in the church have taken me under their wings. This has been hugely appreciated and beneficial to my ability to enjoy my stay here. I am a social being and enjoy being near people I like. 

Today, one of these families, who I really do like and feel like I belong with, took me with them on their family outing to see if we could see whales. We went to a lookout in thee bay where whales hang out and took turns among the seven of us looking through the binoculars at the whales playing and blowing around. To see whales from a boat is $50 or more and it is chancy about whether you will see anything interesting. Then we went to look at the light house at the bit where the Indian Ocean joins the Southern Ocean. To go to the light house or even to the lookout costed money so we opted for free entertainment and looked from a distance. Then we went to a beautiful forest of tall, straight trees and had an argument about what kind of tree this particular one was. We sang songs from memory and also from ipods and tapes, we talked and we played in rock pools.

What makes these outings memorable and fun for me is the company and the laughter of the people I am with. I get the same enjoyment out of going to tourist attractions with people I like as I do washing up with people I like. Walking with people I like, driving with people I like, eating with people I like, washing up with people I like, cleaning with people I like, mucking out stables with people I like. All of these activities are preferable to me to, for example, having a meal alone, walking alone, driving long distances alone. Very occasionally, when on a car ride with people I like to be around, I wish it didn't need to end. 

Free Entertainment like going for a walk with friends or playing a game with friends is far preferable to me then a guided tour without friends.

  

Crying

I am never really sure what to do when another girl is crying. I figure this bodes ill for people who are not girls at all but have been known to be near crying girls. I do know what not to do based on my experience as a crier.
1) Unless you know the crying girl really well (think relative or very close friends) or there is nobody else around, don't do anything. There is nothing more distressing to a girl then a complete stranger asking her why she is crying.
2) Don't ask why she is crying. This means she MAY try to tell you before she has stopped crying sufficiently to make sense.
3) Don't suggest she doesn't cry in any way shape or form. The moment she tries to stop crying, she cries harder and longer.
4) Make yourself available to offer a hug but don't just jump right in before she is ready. She may not be a huggy person and it may make it worse. Sitting beside is often enough and then if she wants she can initiate the hug.
5) When she has calmed down enough to tell you why she is hurting or angry, don't tell her she is "being silly/she imagined it/that person wouldn't do that/they probably didn't mean to", she knows that and doesn't want to hear it from you.
6) Don't allow it to turn into a gossip session, that won't help you or her. Allow her to vent, that is healthy. Joining in about how horrible such-and-such is, is not helpful.

Here are somethings you can do with anyone and not go far wrong.
1) If you see tears arriving and you are in a position to do so, ask them if they want to go for a walk so you can remove them from the group.
2) Stand or sit quietly nearby while they cry. Don't say anything "helpful", they will appreciate the silent company and the lack of pressure.
3) If they apologize for crying, tell them it is ok to cry and then let them get on with it.
4) When they are ready, usually after sitting quietly for some time, though sometimes they will attempt an explanation during the tears, they may choose to tell you why they are upset. Chances are you will already know, however listening is a good plan.
5) When she has talked and cried and used many tissues, taking her to a bathroom to wash her face is a good plan. Then staying with her till she feels better before rejoining the group.
6) If you see someone go out on their own, allow them to have a private cry before going to join them, or waiting til they come back before asking to see if she is ok. She will appreciate somebody noticing, though maybe not the whole group.

Learning from people

There are 3 kinds of people, the people you actively try not to learn from (or at least use them as the what not to do), the people you actively try to learn from, and the rest who don't really figure in the decision and tend to offer accidental learning.

I have been thinking about the last decade and about the people God has placed in my life who I actively want to learn from. God has blessed me in that, in a few minutes, I could easily name 10 people who I want to learn from. The positive influences in my life have so far outweighed the negative ones, I am struggling to think of any.

The people I desire to learn from have characteristics that I want in myself, Godliness, patience, kind words and thoughts, selflessness, friendly humour, grace, youthfulness even in age, energy, sense of fun, perseverance, the ability to love even people who are hard to love. Especially I watch and learn how they parent. I love watching people parent.

I am especially happy to be able to spend time with a family including 4 daughters ranging from 7 to 15 years. I am able to see their mum teach her girls in humility by admitting and explaining what she, the mum, has done wrong and why it was wrong. These are not big misdemeanors but it teaches Godly reactions to situations, how to better handle situations and how to apologize when we are wrong.

I love being able to watch Godly men and especially women living their lives and demonstrating concrete examples of how to glorify God in normal life.

Patience

Is apparently a thing I am lacking when I feel like people are not trying. This is not when they actually can't do a thing, just when they don't try. This is because I know that they can do what I am asking, or that they will enjoy doing what I suggest. Unfortunately it is fear of failure which prevent people, including children, from attempting things. Then, when I am impatient and easily frustrated, they begin to worry more about getting it wrong and not even trying. The safe thing to do is to say "I can't" or "I don't know". The thing to do to help with this is to give them victories and wins. Prove to them that what you said about their abilities is true. That when you say they will enjoy something, that they will.

I suppose this is down more to trust. If they trust that I will not shame them when they make a mistake, or growl at them for getting it wrong, they will try more and more to have a go. AAAARGH!!!!!!

I will need to practice much patience and love and encouragement.

Manly men

I love it when men are manly in a serving and Godly and caring way. Teaching boys and young men to serve others and demonstrate gentlemanly behviour is valuable. It is very lovely to see it in action. Holding doors, allowing others to go first, offering to carry heavy things, these are all excellent ways to demonstrate Godly manliness.
Therefore some mocking was deemed appropriate the other week at youth group. Each week we meet at somebodies house for a meal and the bible study. After a really nice dinner, the lady who hosted us and the seniour, male, youth group leader decided that the moving of a couch was necessary for personal space and comfort during the study. One of the boys wandered in and offered assistance. A few seconds later the three of them returned with the couch and to my surprise I notice that the lady and the boy were carrying it.  I could hardly breathe for laughing and it was some time before the study could get underway.

writing bible studies

I have never given a sermon, I hopefully never will, but a sermon is essentially telling people what this passage of the bible means. The Holy Spirit helps the preacher to understand and to put it into words. Writing a bible study is different. It is working out what the passage means and then writing questions to assist a group to also work out what it means.

Bible study writing is safer, I think, because it is harder to accidentally teach heresy. However it does not make it easier. How to write questions to invite discussion on the right topics, not, for example, social lives. How to get a structure that helps the overall passage make sense, structure and I are not friends at the best of times. How to word questions to make them understandable.

Then leading the bible study is a whole other barrel of laughs. I have only led teens but the variety of bible knowledge, attention span, focusing ability, and ability to say something that may be wrong or only nearly write at the risk of being thought a fool, is the same as in an adults bible study. Adults may have a longer attention span then teens (or they pretend they do) but they also suffer from "what if I get it Wrong" disease. "Talking over the top of others" syndrome (I suffer from this a little), and the dreaded "I have spoken the correct answer so let us move on" difficulty. I have encountered all these and more while leading youth bible studies. The difficulty is to encourage the over confident kids to allow the less confident kids to answer, especially if it is an easier question. Not to say that quieter kids are less smart, it is just nice to give them a victory occasionally (this is where I struggle with the talking over the top of others thing).

I suspect that, while heretically safer to write a bible study then a sermon, there are more likely to be disputers in a bible study group then a sermon congregation if one begins teaching that Jesus and God are not even related, both are equally difficult to write. They are also both difficult to teach with, for different reasons.

Power of Suggestion

When you mention to a child that you have a sore stomach, they will usually either immediately or a few days later, tell you they have a sore stomach. There is some power in suggestion. This is not to say that they are lying, they may actually have, or believe they have, a sore stomach.

I do this too. My friends explain their illnesses and difficulties and I begin to sort of practice what it would be like to have these. With one friend it was mild epilepsy, not fainting or convulsing, just spacing out for a minute or two. Mum said I was starting to do it too and told me to stop. Recently it has been Anxiety (I say recently meaning last night and the night before) I have been busy lately, I have been iron deficient, and have been sleeping not brilliantly and I have been feeling anti social. Because I have been out every night for a week and except for tonight and look forward to many more busy times, I was starting to feel anxious. Now usually I take things one at a time and it doesn't worry me, also I look forward to everything that I do. However last night on the way home from bible study I was getting myself into a mild panic by thinking about how many nights in a row I had out plus full days of work. I was not thinking helpfully, it was going in circles and mounting up higher, thinking about what had already been done and what still needed doing. I made myself calm down and remember that I was getting a whole day and evening where I only needed to be out once to collect the kids.

What I found interesting was that I was only getting anxious because a friend of mine struggles with that and I was copying.

Visiting

When we were kids, and friends came over, we played with them. That seems a pretty obvious thing to do. However when going to other peoples houses, I seemed to spend a lot of time watching TV that I was not really interested in because they were. Or worse watching them play computer games and video games. If friends came over, we were not allowed to read, or watch tv (we could not usually do that anyway) or go on the computer. This is because mum's theory was that if we have friends over we should use the opportunity to socialize.

Now I am noticing it is worse then when I was little, now we have amazing phones and music devices that allow us continual access to the internet and to solo entertainment. This recreational activity has it's place in the social life but it should NOT be when you are physically with friends. At youth group, about 1/2 the people get out their phones and check what their friends are up to, look things up on the net, text and play games. The other half are left wondering why we even go out to meet at all. It kills conversation dead because trying to talk to somebody playing with their device is like trying to do things on the internet pre-broadband.  You ask a question and 5 minutes later it filters through and they say "huh?" Even the people who are not using devices are distracted by the fact that half the group are present in body but not in mind.

I am becoming more and more convinced that I do not want a tv in my house if I get married.

(un)helpful information

Is it better to be pre-warned about people or to get a rude shock when they do something? I am completely divided. The intentions of the warner probably have a lot to with the answer, if they merely want to help you not run into trouble regarding another individual there is a possibility it can be useful and not destructive. However if it is to merely colour your opinion of somebody they don't like for whatever reason, or to simply cause difficulty, the obvious answer is NO.

Pre-warnings come in the forms of 1. helpful advice from new acquaintances (at a new school or workplace, somebody usually gives you the rundown of everybodies revolting lives and intimate details of their various sins)
2. Pass on notes between teachers about children they have taught to give the new teacher a heads up.
I imagine there are others but these are the main ones.

I would like to suggest that both of these are negative and rarely help. Unless somebody is in danger from an individual there is no need to warn them about anything purely because you did not get along. I have found that such information given on others tends to colour my opinion of them however hard I try not to let it. Now if the information is positive, this is fine, how nice, kind, funny, loving, generous, thoughtful, helpful, Godly or whatever somebody is, that is uplifting for both the subject of discussion and the discussers. Anything negative though must be classed as slander and gossip UNLESS, out of love, you are warning somebody of the dangers of associating with an individual because of things they have done.

Children can pass through from Kindy to high-school without anyone giving them a chance to prove themselves because each teacher warns the next about the trouble maker. What if it is just that the first teacher they had clashed for whatever reason and otherwise they were fine.

I would much rather make my own opinions of both adukts and children based on my observations, uplifting words about ANYONE are welcome as they may help me to see the good bits of people I struggle with. Negative words are just destructive and unhelpful, I don't want to hear them.  Bearing in mind I am guilty of this on occasion.

Amazing Friends

God answers prayers. Before I left home, an older lady prayed for me and she prayed firstly that there would be a bible teaching church here where I could grow and mature in Christ, and secondly that I would find a friend here who would have clear and obvious joy about being with me. A lovely friend whose face would light up when she saw me, and who clearly enjoys my company. 

God answered both of these prayers with a yes and I am still very grateful. 

The lovely people at this church invite me over to their house for hours at a time to play playdough and chat. They invite me to stay with them so I can have a break from work in the holidays. They include me in their every day activities and remember me when they plan things. After staying with one friend for 4 nights during the holidays, I stripped my bed (like you do) and got in mild trouble for it since there was a possibility I might want to come back and stay one last night before starting work. I was uncertain about the likelihood of this happening but wouldn't you know, she was right. I ended up staying for another 3 nights this week.

God has been good to me, he has surrounded me with people who I can learn from, and practice Godliness on. My parents, my youth group leaders, my bible study leaders, my friends. In every place I have lived, there have been Godly mature women to learn from and to grow beside. 

Good Times 2

Yesterday afternoon a friend and I went touristing. I am not usually big on touristing but we went to a quaint little lolly shop where you can watch the confectionery get made (though unfortunately not on Sundays) and buy interesting lollies, fudge and chocolate. We also went to a dairy farm and had hand made ice-cream and lay on the grass while the girls played in the park. What really made it special though was the conversational opportunities that the drive and the relaxing offered. We had some good, interesting and fun conversations in a relaxed atmosphere. It was pleasant weather and it was generally just perfect.

The other thing that made it special to me was the fun we had when we had a water fight. It is no secret that I enjoy a good water fight and yesterday we had a good one. After that I went to Sunday night bible study and enjoyed meeting some of the other people in the church as I made myself at home in their house.

My idea of a good time involves laughs and talking, energetic fun and comfortable relaxing. Yesterday was full to the brim with both of these things.

Holding your ground

My dad hears a lot about my life caring for children and especially the battles that I have with children. When we were doing the initial food shop for Summer School this year, dad felt the need to practice this skill on me. I suggested that buying half a cooked chicken, some salad and bread rolls would make a really nice, easy dinner and would put off the one-pot-wonders situation for another day. Dad said "no, he didn't feel like anything so greasy as chicken" I really did so I argued and, because I was tired, complained a bit. He continued to say no, we wouldn't get chicken, we could get cold ham.

Towards the end of the shop HE went to the chocolate isle to choose some chocolate and things "for mum" and as we were heading to the checkout he said "Did you notice that I held my ground about the chicken? When I said no and you argued, I didn't give in" I gaped at him and then said "But you went and got CHOCOLATE. I was asking for a logical meal food"

Happiness

Today when I went to church it was at the end of a rough week and the promise of another rough week. I walked in and stood there wondering where to sit and should I go and bother the nice people who I already know or should I sit somewhere I can potentially meet new people. As I was deliberating I noticed someone waving to me and after staring for a few seconds realized it was the last person I expected to see there.

The church minister from when I was a child in Sydney was in the area and he and his wife decided to go to the church and see if they could find me. I was so excited to see them that I couldn't sit still. We had lunch and a walk and a swim but the really nice thing about today was unexpectedly seeing some friendly faces of people who knew me and had history. There isn't much because I can't remember much but still. It had a similar effect on me as if my grandparent came to visit unexpectedly. It really made my day, especially since I was a bit fragile. God is good.

Compulsive habits

There is something magical about having a pen in your hand, or a pair of scissors. When I have a pair of scissors in my hand I begin to look around for something to cut. If nothing permissible is in reach, rather then go to find a piece of paper or similar, I begin to carefully cut things that I probably shouldn't, thus the hairs on rugs and carpets in our house are slightly shorter then they should be. You will be pleased to know I am pretty sure I have grown out of this.

The same holds true for holding a pen or pencil. If I have a pen in my hand, something will be drawn on. This usually includes paper but in the past has included walls and furniture (sorry mum). Most often though it is skin, shoes or clothes. Trying to make constellations between freckles on my arm, seeing how many little stars I can draw on my ankle, writing song words on my leg/arm/jeans/shoes, drawing pretty swirly patterns on my hands and for a while there drawing faces on my finger tips.

Tonight at bible study I was doodling on my jeans while listening to prayer points and the lady sitting beside me said I shouldn't draw there. She was slightly turned away from me so when I forgot to not do this after around 5 seconds I drew many little pictures on my knee and she couldn't see. She suddenly looked round once I had stopped for a moment, lifted the paper that was covering the drawings, sighed and removed the pen from my hand. That method is the only way to stop the need to draw or cut if I have a pen or scissors in my hands.

Camera's and Parents

I am beginning to suspect I will be one of those parents (if God gives me kids) who will have no photo's on to show on their 21st birthdays. Today I took 3 kids to a free church run fair and they rode on a little train and also on the ponies. It was the little girls first time to be brave enough to get on a horse and I should have brought a camera. Then this afternoon they were all on the trampoline jumping under a hose spray and I should have taken a photo. Then tonight I went to the beach to have dinner, a swim, ice-cream and watch the sun set over the sort of water and I realized I should have brought my camera.

Parents seem to always remember camera's and whip them out to catch incredibly cute or meaningful photo's and I watch and think "ah well, it doesn't really matter and the kids don't care."

Tonight was a wonderful night that could have only been improved by company.