Loving People

I have held a theory for a while that we are meant to function in a kind of honeycomb of mutual care. I say honey comb because they have hexagons. 

If we are lone hexagons, we do not need to care for other people and can focus on caring for ourselves. There is some perceived personal safety in this, we do not need to risk "wasting love" on "unworthy" people. Also we do not need to risk opening up to anyone for them to hurt us and use information against us. This, while seemingly "safe" has a whole host of problems of it's own. What do you do when life goes pear shaped. How do you cope when things get to be too much. Shallow relationships with passers by do not  satisfy our need for companionship and love.  

However if we love and care for a few friends close to us, then they love and care for the people close to them, and so on, slowly the circle spreads. 6 is not a necessary number, it is just that hexagons fit nicely together. If you love and care for, for example, 6 people, and 6 people love and care for you, then you will have 6 times the love and care as you are giving and will find you are able to give more. 

the problem with only loving and caring for 1 or 2 people is that if they can't or don't love and care for you, you can burn out. The trouble with loving and caring for 60 people is that you spread yourself too thin. This is not to say you ignore anyone other then the chosen few, just that your close circle can't be too big.

If one of your close friends is having a time of neediness, and can't love and care for you in return, having other friends who can care for you and share the burden is important. 

This model, one that has been part of churches in the form of bible study care groups. Loving a few people in a lot of ways. 

Generosity in Poverty

It is interesting that we tend to be selfish in our abundance. It is therefore strange that we tend to be generous in our poverty. Logically it ought to be the other way round, I don't have much so I can't share with you, or, now I have lots, I can share.

Today, one child had a kind of "healthy" lolly snack and because he flapped it in the face of his brother, I broke a bit off and said he now needed to share it with his brother because his brother hadn't gotten one that day. I did not mention that their sister should be shared with, I knew she had had one earlier that day. So the scene is set, one child has a large lolly, the second child has a token amount, (2 inches to 10 inches) The second child looks at his sister, breaks his small bit in half, and gives some to his sister.

This is a fascinating aspect of human nature, God gives gifts, and we are to share what he gives. Sometimes, the more he gives, the more we hoard, thinking that there is a limited supply. This puts God in a box of inability, assuming he can't or won't look after our needs so we need to look after our selves. This is not how God intends us to be, because of sin, we turn God's gifts into possessions we feel we deserve and need to keep and use for ourselves. Thankfully, God's spirit enables us to look past ourselves and to notice that, while we feel we don't have much, other people have less. While we feel we ought to look after ourselves first, it is better to care for and love other people.

Stinginess in plenty is just one more way in which we/sin have messed up God's good order of things.

Mental Children.

There was an episode at the end of last term when one of the children had a little bit of lime and pineapple flavoured chocolate and went crazy. She was disobedient and jumpy and violent and loud and unreasonable. This was different to a tantrum because tantrums wear the child out and they become repentant and reasonable afterwards. This was sustained, defiant, intentional, unstoppable disobedience.

There has always been an awareness that some foods affect all three, however the checking of food had become relaxed. I have begun to ask around and find out from her teacher and from other parents what they have noticed with their children and with her. I asked her teacher if she noticed any unusual behaviour after eating certain food to let me know. She said that usually she has a roll up in the afternoon and then she becomes a bit silly. Another lady said twisties are almost guaranteed to set kids off.

Yesterday she ate good food all day, she was home all day and I was there for every meal and snack that she had. Still she was a bit crazy in the afternoon. I could think of nothing that she had eaten that could set this off. I though maybe tv instead of resting was the problem. She was testing being violent, she refused to wear footwear, she lost all her babies and their friends, she was not allowed to play, she was unrepentantly obnoxious for about 2 hours. Maybe more except that the movie was on so I didn't notice.

Today it was discovered that there was a cough lolly wrapper in her bed. She must have sneaked it when we weren't looking. That kind of cough lolly had previously set her off.

We are going to do a health kick for the kids and drop all their rubbish food. They can learn to like real food, or they can starve.

Girlness

I have been thinking over my life of the last few years and I am realizing that I am entirely surrounded by women. People I talk to at church are generally women, Bible study is predominantly women, my friends and largely women, I work for and with women. The only times that it evens up or the male count overtakes the female count is on mission. This is 9 days long, for the rest of the year, women.

I like women, I learn from women, I enjoy the company of women, however I am feeling the lack of male friendship. Except for on mission, the men seem to huddle up together and ignore single women. Most of the men I know are married and have wives to care for and children to bring up. However That does not mean that they are a different species to me. There is a tendency, when I go to a married friends house, that the husband thinks to himself "Here is my wife's friend, I will let them do girl stuff together and go off to do my own thing." This is unhelpful to single women who then begin to think "Maybe I am single because there is something wrong with me, even the married men won't have a conversation with me"

Because of the total lack of men my own age in my life, I noticed that the first time I went on beach mission, I was over excited and silly about being near and getting to know single men. It was not helpful to me to not have had practice relating to men, single or otherwise. I was relieved to find some of my female friends at church had found the same thing themselves when relating to the single men. As the years progressed, and we got more practice, we became more natural. However 9 days in a year is not very satisfactory. It would be like having one day of eating per week. Massive pig out, then nothing.

Location has had a lot to do with this situation, last year not only was the congregation female, and bible study female, but they were old as well. The only blokes I got to speak to were to two young men who worked in the co-op. When I did the shopping, they would come and talk to me, probably similarly thrilled at there being a young interesting person in the town.

When I went to karate last week, the entire class was male. They were polite and took an interest in me and were generally friendly. It was this more then anything that made me contemplate and realize the lack of men in my social circles

Manners

I am currently hounding manners among the kids. Not just please and thank you, that was first and with reminding they are pretty good at that. I mean courtesy manners, helping people, answering calls, coming and acting straight away.

When I say a child's name, they need to say "Yes Julia" My instructions to a child go "(name), say yes Julia" child "Yes Julia" me "can you please go and put away your ..., say Yes Julia" child "Yes Julia" me "Now do straight away obedience"

I am going to try to not count, it is a hard habit to break. After reminding them of responding and doing straight away obedience, they need to go immediately or get into trouble. Really though saying straight away is similar to counting to three.

In regards to manners, the responses are required, they need to be in a pleasant voice, and we are working on looking at me and taking things away from their mouths when they speak. I am willing and able to fain deafness if a child answers me while looking away or is speaking through clothes, hands or toys.

Good sportsmanship in action

Yesterday an opportunity to give practical lessons in good sportsmanship to a little girl. She is 4 and very proud of continually winning races, putting on her seatbelt first, eating dinner first or whatever. She says "I just beat you did I?" This is not terrible as a winning statement, however it is still not ideal. It would also not have been a problem if she could take defeat graciously.
Yesterday we went for a bike ride, I was on foot. We had a race to a pole and the first race she won and gloated. The second race I pipped her at the post and she cried that it wasn't a race and she didn't want to race and I always win. I explained that she needed to learn to be a good loser before she could be a good winner and the way to be a good loser was to firstly finish the race, and secondly say "congratulations" and shake hands. Then the good winner says "That was a good race" or "Well done" and shakes hands.
She said several times for the remainder of the bike ride "I'm a bad loser." I said she was but all she had to do to be a good loser was to shake hands and say "Congratulations" She refused and was still in tears when we got home.
After school pick up, I put my seat belt on before she did and then demonstrated just how horrible a bad winner can be. She began to cry again and I asked her if I was being a good winner and if she enjoyed it. She shook her head and cried properly so I went round and gave her a cuddle. Then we got back in the car and I put my belt on first again and said "Good race, now you say congratulations and we shake hands." She did and had a little laugh.
We have thus begun the journey to learning good sportsmanship.

One other thing, The 7 yr old challenged me to a karate fight. He though he could win based on the fact he plays with lego and watches TV. I figured maybe not based on the fact that I have done 3 yrs of Karate. After we had a little spar and I got him on the ground a couple of times, I went to put a handful of rubbish in the bin. At the right moment I turned and blocked the charge he made at my back and told him that attacking when your opponents back is turned is bad sportsmanship. A bit later he apologized for it, I wasn't upset and I did not ask him to, that makes me very happy and we made up.

Venting

Because of facebook and blogs, much airing of dirty laundry is visible for ALL to see. I have not written a post for a while because I do not want to vent on a public forum and the only things filling my head for a few weeks were negative. I do not like to read other peoples should-be-private speeches on my computer, so I didn't want to inflict it on you.
Some things that should be confined to private conversations include "I love you soooo much my little oochy goochy mush mush mush", break ups should also not be able to be viewed by everybody, along with the break up aftermath. How much one hates a person/animal/driver/job/friend/enemy/frenemy/teacher/student, should also be reserved for private conversations.
The things I like to read on facebook are the light hearted, self mocking statements. The ones that make me smile or laugh rather then the ones that make me think "good grief, grow up"
 When I post on facebook or my blog, I try to make sure I am not upset and therefore liable to write unkind or unhelpful things. If I do write something while upset, and the temptation is big, I usually delete it instead of inflicting it on others.
On the other hand, honestly sharing on a blog life struggles and difficulties in order to encourage friends is different to venting or airing dirty laundry. It tends to be carefully considered and thought out, with an aim to teach people or encourage them. Because it is carefully considered and the author is mindful that strangers will read their posts, while there may be personal things written, they will not be private things and they will always be to a purpose.
I do not kid myself that I am one of these who can write about personal suffering to benefit others.