How do we teach children good sportsmanship? I reckon it is true that we can't be good winners till we can be good losers. This means I am not above beating a 5 yr old in a race. I discovered this a few years back, when I would let the little boy I was caring for win and he was downright insulting afterwards. I decided I was not going to stand for this so I won. I ran at my full speed and he was left far behind. He may not have been left so far behind if he had continued running, however as soon as he saw I was in front, he stood and cried. Screamed actually. I don't remember if I went back for him or not, however I told him he should have finished the race. I was also teaching him the correct verbal responses to win or lose outcomes. These were "Good race" and "congratulations"
Over a few weeks, I continued to win races and then would turn around before he could have a tantrum and cheer him to the finish line, we practiced congratulating each other. I don't remember how this ended but if I was intelligent, I would have let him win to see how he reacted. If he was insulting again, we would have gone back to square one, if he was gracious, then he had learnt the basics of good sportsmanship.
Now I tell children that winning is not as important as finishing the race or game. This helps them if, in a competition against peers, they don't come first. I tell them I am proud of them for finishing. However bad sportsmanship may not even be as clear as it was with the little boy described above. It may just be a smug look, or grizzles and tears over not winning. The same strategy should still work.
Also I am not saying we should crush their hopes by winning by miles every time, just bring them to earth in humbleness. Then, when it is time to let them win again, allow them to pip you at the post, this will give them the satisfaction of a hard won success and will keep them humble in their victory.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Finishing Properly
With projects, common practice for most people is to start them and be very keen until about 2/3 of the way through, then it is passed over in favour of the next project.
This also happens with children. I have often vented about people beginning the discipline tantrum cycle and not seeing it through (giving in) but I have never realized the reverse is as important. What I mean is, finishing pleasant things or every day routines properly. For example if you say to a child "You can read till whatever o clock and then I will come and give you a kiss and turn off your light" You need to remember at the specified time to go and tuck in your child and let them know it is time to sleep.
This is not just about timetables, it is about keeping promises. If you say "Go jump into bed and I will tuck you in soon" and then forget and your child falls asleep waiting, what does that say to your child.
This can also be, we can't read a story now but we will this afternoon, or we are too busy to do that today, maybe we can do it tomorrow. It is easy to forget these, I have forgotten many, however it is important to fulfill even longer term promises.
However I can't understand (because I am a child oriented person) how people can forget that they haven't finished their immediate interaction with their child. I understand they get busy doing other things, but I can't settle down until I know I have finished what I started, both pleasant and unpleasant.
1000 unfinished craft projects are not important. Try the same with children and they will learn what level priority they are in your life.
This also happens with children. I have often vented about people beginning the discipline tantrum cycle and not seeing it through (giving in) but I have never realized the reverse is as important. What I mean is, finishing pleasant things or every day routines properly. For example if you say to a child "You can read till whatever o clock and then I will come and give you a kiss and turn off your light" You need to remember at the specified time to go and tuck in your child and let them know it is time to sleep.
This is not just about timetables, it is about keeping promises. If you say "Go jump into bed and I will tuck you in soon" and then forget and your child falls asleep waiting, what does that say to your child.
This can also be, we can't read a story now but we will this afternoon, or we are too busy to do that today, maybe we can do it tomorrow. It is easy to forget these, I have forgotten many, however it is important to fulfill even longer term promises.
However I can't understand (because I am a child oriented person) how people can forget that they haven't finished their immediate interaction with their child. I understand they get busy doing other things, but I can't settle down until I know I have finished what I started, both pleasant and unpleasant.
1000 unfinished craft projects are not important. Try the same with children and they will learn what level priority they are in your life.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Free Entertainment
A few families in the church have taken me under their wings. This has been hugely appreciated and beneficial to my ability to enjoy my stay here. I am a social being and enjoy being near people I like.
Today, one of these families, who I really do like and feel like I belong with, took me with them on their family outing to see if we could see whales. We went to a lookout in thee bay where whales hang out and took turns among the seven of us looking through the binoculars at the whales playing and blowing around. To see whales from a boat is $50 or more and it is chancy about whether you will see anything interesting. Then we went to look at the light house at the bit where the Indian Ocean joins the Southern Ocean. To go to the light house or even to the lookout costed money so we opted for free entertainment and looked from a distance. Then we went to a beautiful forest of tall, straight trees and had an argument about what kind of tree this particular one was. We sang songs from memory and also from ipods and tapes, we talked and we played in rock pools.
What makes these outings memorable and fun for me is the company and the laughter of the people I am with. I get the same enjoyment out of going to tourist attractions with people I like as I do washing up with people I like. Walking with people I like, driving with people I like, eating with people I like, washing up with people I like, cleaning with people I like, mucking out stables with people I like. All of these activities are preferable to me to, for example, having a meal alone, walking alone, driving long distances alone. Very occasionally, when on a car ride with people I like to be around, I wish it didn't need to end.
Free Entertainment like going for a walk with friends or playing a game with friends is far preferable to me then a guided tour without friends.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Crying
I am never really sure what to do when another girl is crying. I figure this bodes ill for people who are not girls at all but have been known to be near crying girls. I do know what not to do based on my experience as a crier.
1) Unless you know the crying girl really well (think relative or very close friends) or there is nobody else around, don't do anything. There is nothing more distressing to a girl then a complete stranger asking her why she is crying.
2) Don't ask why she is crying. This means she MAY try to tell you before she has stopped crying sufficiently to make sense.
3) Don't suggest she doesn't cry in any way shape or form. The moment she tries to stop crying, she cries harder and longer.
4) Make yourself available to offer a hug but don't just jump right in before she is ready. She may not be a huggy person and it may make it worse. Sitting beside is often enough and then if she wants she can initiate the hug.
5) When she has calmed down enough to tell you why she is hurting or angry, don't tell her she is "being silly/she imagined it/that person wouldn't do that/they probably didn't mean to", she knows that and doesn't want to hear it from you.
6) Don't allow it to turn into a gossip session, that won't help you or her. Allow her to vent, that is healthy. Joining in about how horrible such-and-such is, is not helpful.
Here are somethings you can do with anyone and not go far wrong.
1) If you see tears arriving and you are in a position to do so, ask them if they want to go for a walk so you can remove them from the group.
2) Stand or sit quietly nearby while they cry. Don't say anything "helpful", they will appreciate the silent company and the lack of pressure.
3) If they apologize for crying, tell them it is ok to cry and then let them get on with it.
4) When they are ready, usually after sitting quietly for some time, though sometimes they will attempt an explanation during the tears, they may choose to tell you why they are upset. Chances are you will already know, however listening is a good plan.
5) When she has talked and cried and used many tissues, taking her to a bathroom to wash her face is a good plan. Then staying with her till she feels better before rejoining the group.
6) If you see someone go out on their own, allow them to have a private cry before going to join them, or waiting til they come back before asking to see if she is ok. She will appreciate somebody noticing, though maybe not the whole group.
1) Unless you know the crying girl really well (think relative or very close friends) or there is nobody else around, don't do anything. There is nothing more distressing to a girl then a complete stranger asking her why she is crying.
2) Don't ask why she is crying. This means she MAY try to tell you before she has stopped crying sufficiently to make sense.
3) Don't suggest she doesn't cry in any way shape or form. The moment she tries to stop crying, she cries harder and longer.
4) Make yourself available to offer a hug but don't just jump right in before she is ready. She may not be a huggy person and it may make it worse. Sitting beside is often enough and then if she wants she can initiate the hug.
5) When she has calmed down enough to tell you why she is hurting or angry, don't tell her she is "being silly/she imagined it/that person wouldn't do that/they probably didn't mean to", she knows that and doesn't want to hear it from you.
6) Don't allow it to turn into a gossip session, that won't help you or her. Allow her to vent, that is healthy. Joining in about how horrible such-and-such is, is not helpful.
Here are somethings you can do with anyone and not go far wrong.
1) If you see tears arriving and you are in a position to do so, ask them if they want to go for a walk so you can remove them from the group.
2) Stand or sit quietly nearby while they cry. Don't say anything "helpful", they will appreciate the silent company and the lack of pressure.
3) If they apologize for crying, tell them it is ok to cry and then let them get on with it.
4) When they are ready, usually after sitting quietly for some time, though sometimes they will attempt an explanation during the tears, they may choose to tell you why they are upset. Chances are you will already know, however listening is a good plan.
5) When she has talked and cried and used many tissues, taking her to a bathroom to wash her face is a good plan. Then staying with her till she feels better before rejoining the group.
6) If you see someone go out on their own, allow them to have a private cry before going to join them, or waiting til they come back before asking to see if she is ok. She will appreciate somebody noticing, though maybe not the whole group.
Trying new things
How do we encourage small children to try new things, to risk failure, to risk a sad outcome, to risk discomfort. There are some strategies that people use, the most common being to hype them up, both the child and the event. This has massive drawbacks because the child then has expectations that, if not met, cause devastation and disappointment, even if nothing bad happened at the event.
Another less used strategy might be to tell them as little as possible and let them find out for themselves. This also is not great, I rarely like to do something I know nothing about. When preparing for my first beach mission for example, I wanted a blow by blow description of what each hour of each day would hold.
I think the best way is to create a pattern where new things are tried regularly, with a choice not to, and accepting the natural consequences of trying each thing. Trying a new food may have the consequence of liking it or not liking it. If a child does not want to try an optional event or food, just say "OK, it is Simon's turn now then" and move on without a fuss. That way she will see that her decision not to try was firstly respected, and secondly did not receive any attention.
The worst things to do seem to be to firstly push the child into trying. This may mean that, even if the new thing is fun (like a water slide) they will choose not to enjoy it on principle. They may think they genuinely didn't enjoy it, then blame you for making them do something they didn't want to do. Secondly gushing and attending their tears with "Thats ok, you can have a lolly" This draws attention to and embarrasses the child in tears. A quite hug if the child reaches tears on their own, otherwise d not making a big deal of it is a good strategy.
I remember times when I accidentally cried in public, people crowd around so you can't escape, they ask you what the matter is requiring talking, they tell you that is no reason to cry (obviously it was) they tell you to stop crying. None of these are helpful, a quiet shoulder or by myself is best. I especially hate attention being drawn to it. If a child is crying because of perceived failure, they will also not want attention drawn to it.
Everyday new things to try with children to develop a pattern of easily trying and making decisions about new things might be:
Foods, active games, water fights, tickle fights, water slides, diving through legs in the pool, feeling different textures and substances, sleepovers, pillow fights, tasting different things, cooking new things, going new places, meeting new people.
They need to be new but not compulsory. Getting on a plane may be new, but it is also compulsory if the whole family is going somewhere.
Another less used strategy might be to tell them as little as possible and let them find out for themselves. This also is not great, I rarely like to do something I know nothing about. When preparing for my first beach mission for example, I wanted a blow by blow description of what each hour of each day would hold.
I think the best way is to create a pattern where new things are tried regularly, with a choice not to, and accepting the natural consequences of trying each thing. Trying a new food may have the consequence of liking it or not liking it. If a child does not want to try an optional event or food, just say "OK, it is Simon's turn now then" and move on without a fuss. That way she will see that her decision not to try was firstly respected, and secondly did not receive any attention.
The worst things to do seem to be to firstly push the child into trying. This may mean that, even if the new thing is fun (like a water slide) they will choose not to enjoy it on principle. They may think they genuinely didn't enjoy it, then blame you for making them do something they didn't want to do. Secondly gushing and attending their tears with "Thats ok, you can have a lolly" This draws attention to and embarrasses the child in tears. A quite hug if the child reaches tears on their own, otherwise d not making a big deal of it is a good strategy.
I remember times when I accidentally cried in public, people crowd around so you can't escape, they ask you what the matter is requiring talking, they tell you that is no reason to cry (obviously it was) they tell you to stop crying. None of these are helpful, a quiet shoulder or by myself is best. I especially hate attention being drawn to it. If a child is crying because of perceived failure, they will also not want attention drawn to it.
Everyday new things to try with children to develop a pattern of easily trying and making decisions about new things might be:
Foods, active games, water fights, tickle fights, water slides, diving through legs in the pool, feeling different textures and substances, sleepovers, pillow fights, tasting different things, cooking new things, going new places, meeting new people.
They need to be new but not compulsory. Getting on a plane may be new, but it is also compulsory if the whole family is going somewhere.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Routines
Routines are amazing, hard to set up and easy to lose, but when they do their job they make life so much easier for everybody. Even just relaxing about the times a routine has to happen can mess the whole thing up for the day. For a while the routine has been waking up the slow waker at 630 so that he can be useful when we need him. Then from 7 till 730 the kids get ready for school and if they are ready by 730 they get a tick for pocket money. Then they do piano practice then play till school.
Lately though the wake up has been after 7 and this in turn makes it harder for night owl children to sleep at night. Then it is playing and watching tv while getting ready. The routine that is well set up takes a few days to undo but one day we wake up and it is completely gone. Today for example, breakfast wasn't even begun being organized until 730, then when it was time to leave two children were still in their pyjama's and one hadn't cleaned their teeth.
Routines don't keep themselves. They need an adult with a watch to ensure that people are doing what they are meant to be doing. We can be lulled into a false sense of security though because routines can get momentum to keep going for a little while even without someone pushing it. However without somebody reminding and pushing it along, it can roll to a complete standstill and can be very hard to restart afterwards.
Lately though the wake up has been after 7 and this in turn makes it harder for night owl children to sleep at night. Then it is playing and watching tv while getting ready. The routine that is well set up takes a few days to undo but one day we wake up and it is completely gone. Today for example, breakfast wasn't even begun being organized until 730, then when it was time to leave two children were still in their pyjama's and one hadn't cleaned their teeth.
Routines don't keep themselves. They need an adult with a watch to ensure that people are doing what they are meant to be doing. We can be lulled into a false sense of security though because routines can get momentum to keep going for a little while even without someone pushing it. However without somebody reminding and pushing it along, it can roll to a complete standstill and can be very hard to restart afterwards.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Excitement
How lenient should we be when dealing with excited, nervous children? I tend to harden up and become an impenetrable wall of boundaries around them, constantly insisting that they do as they are told.
I think that we can teach children that obedience is required however excited they are, however noisy talk, excited laughing and other evidences of excitement warrant grace.
Today was the day for a piano concert for the four year old girl. Much blame for her behaviour must go to the adults hyping her up about her concert, the pretty dress, and the song she would play. This was a means to an end to get her to practice the song. However this meant that I was dealing with the Queen of Sheba this morning when I was getting her ready. She hid coyly, peeped out around cupboards "shyly" and pretended to be a scared little waif when I asked her to do anything. She was, for want of a better phrase, full of her own importance. After she had performed her piece she went to sit with her grandfather, she sat still enough initially but shortly began playing cats under the chairs while other children were playing their pieces. I took her out to have words with her and she defiantly turned her head and body away. I was very cross and told her she had been rude, she said sorry and we went in. The cutesy behaviour did not stop. After the awards and certificates were handed out, she was clinging to her mothers skirt and refused to have a photo.
All this was manipulative and not her normal self. Some could be explained by excitement, however most of it was rude or disobedient and needed to be treated as such. On the way home, after she had eaten, she was largely settled and beck to her normal self. Hopefully the return to earth will be speedy and last a while. The arrogance was similar to that of birthday children who believe the world ought to revolve around them for the day.
I think that we can teach children that obedience is required however excited they are, however noisy talk, excited laughing and other evidences of excitement warrant grace.
Today was the day for a piano concert for the four year old girl. Much blame for her behaviour must go to the adults hyping her up about her concert, the pretty dress, and the song she would play. This was a means to an end to get her to practice the song. However this meant that I was dealing with the Queen of Sheba this morning when I was getting her ready. She hid coyly, peeped out around cupboards "shyly" and pretended to be a scared little waif when I asked her to do anything. She was, for want of a better phrase, full of her own importance. After she had performed her piece she went to sit with her grandfather, she sat still enough initially but shortly began playing cats under the chairs while other children were playing their pieces. I took her out to have words with her and she defiantly turned her head and body away. I was very cross and told her she had been rude, she said sorry and we went in. The cutesy behaviour did not stop. After the awards and certificates were handed out, she was clinging to her mothers skirt and refused to have a photo.
All this was manipulative and not her normal self. Some could be explained by excitement, however most of it was rude or disobedient and needed to be treated as such. On the way home, after she had eaten, she was largely settled and beck to her normal self. Hopefully the return to earth will be speedy and last a while. The arrogance was similar to that of birthday children who believe the world ought to revolve around them for the day.
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