Scar

That Missy Higgins song Scar is one I extremely didn't like at all when I was younger. I still don't particularly like Missy Higgins now, but I quite like that song. This song is helpful to me because it fits well. I have not made a mess of my life (yet) and God has not thrown any huge challenges at me (yet), but it still fits.

I am a strange person, different and unexpected to what people think I should be like. I am also annoying in some ways and loud and happy and excitable. Some things I am fine with people suggesting changes, selfishness, pride, laziness whatever. They are not positive traits and, while I do not enjoy hearing about them, I do want to change those. The aspects of my character that I get very resentful about people trying to change are the ones that make me me. My laugh, my loud energy, my happiness, skipping, running, the way I dress, my talking, my singing. None of these are bad or wrong in me, I do not dress immodestly, just boringly, and for most of the other things, I work with children, it is good.

A few years ago I had real trouble with being ridiculed into changing who I am. I got mocked and told off for skipping across paddocks, (it was quicker) I got teased for being loud and excitable. I got in trouble for dancing at a concert with the little boy because of what other people would think. I regularly got told, by the parents I worked for and the children, that I was not very grown up. Most of the time I was able to brush these off but occasionally I got upset and felt pressured into changing into someone I did not want to be. At these times, Scar was very helpful for expressing how I felt.

Gladly this is not happening now (much) though I do nothing to discourage it. I suspect my Non Grown Upness is my outer identity at church and with friends. I am very capable and competent at work.

Being Alone

There are a few different kinds of being alone, some good and some not good.

The first one is the "I have nobody to spend time with at the moment" This is a kind of forced alone-ness and can have different effect on people

The second kind is the "I need a bit of alone time from being friendly and social" This is voluntary and usually pleasant.

Both of these alone times can be cheerful or depressing, and the depressing kind can be cleansing or blaming of others.

Being alone and going for a walk and singing sad lonely songs, like On My Own from Les Mis if one of my favourite passtimes. This is one of the cleansing depressing times alone and I usually come back feeling better. Being alone and pleasantly taking the time to look at things and enjoy things while singing cheerful Disney songs or talking to myself or God is another really good alone time. Both of these require rhythmic movement like walking, swimming or digging.

Sometimes though the alone time is spent with me venting to myself about how frustrating everyone else is and how none of this is my fault. After a little while, I start feeling silly as God reminds me to be less self absorbed then I get happy.

Talking on the phone is not really alone time, sometimes in the first kind of loneliness, when there is just nobody else, I ring someone for company and usually vent or talk mindlessly to them.