Fathers and Daughters

I have been reading a book called Bringing Up Girls by Dr James Dobson. From it I have found out a lot about myself and about a lot of grown up women that I know. The book says that fathers are important in their daughters lives from the beginning till the end. Mothers are as well, obviously, however I had not realized how important fathers are to girls.

Dobson says that a girls sense of self worth and self value is bound up very tightly with what her father thinks and says about her. Women desire to be thought of as lovely by men, since the first man in her life is her father, it falls to him to show her she is lovely and lovable to men. This also gives a father the opportunity to  show his daughter what she can expect from men regarding their behaviour towards her. Mark Driscoll has this right when he says he is his daughters valentine, he takes them on dates doing what his daughters want to do and he teaches them by example what to expect from future men in their lives. This also means that he will have the relationship with his daughters to be able to tell them if a young man is not worthy of them. How will you be able to lovingly prevent her from making a mistake if you take no special interest in your daughter until she is 13 and a young dropkick male comes to the door to collect your daughter for a date.

This lack of affirmation from fathers is a real problem. Dobson says that if fathers do not fill their responsibility then women carry a well of self doubt within them for a long time. Even successful women who appear to have built their own sense of self worth, if you look closely, still harbour anger and a secret desire to get affirmation from their fathers. They maintain that they do not need men and they are perfectly happy making their own life, however there is a lot of bitterness or disappointment when they speak of their fathers lack of care.

A lack of affirmation from fathers, I think, leads to two extremes. Firstly to women who need male praise so badly to feel worth anything that they sell themselves to the first (and every) smooth talking man they meet. The second extreme is feminists so hurt they keep men at arms length to prevent themselves from being disappointed again. This need of daughters to receive love, acceptance and affirmation from their fathers is another reason (as if we needed one) why parent/child abuse (particularly sexual abuse) is so evil and destructive.

There is good news though, because it is never too late to tell your daughters that you love them and especially why. Sincere, thoughtful compliments from men (fathers in particular) go a long way towards healing relationships and building self worth in a woman. If, like in some cases, there is a lot of hurt and damage, then it will take a lot of time and perseverance to win her trust again, however you can man up and take responsibility for the relationship.