In karate, when we are sparring, sometimes you block their attack, sometimes to counter with a strike of your own, and sometimes you step out of the way so your opponent goes flying past. This is a bizarre feeling, like when you think their in one more step going up then there actually is, or when you think the milk bottle is full and it isn't.
I made it through two terms without the kids learning which buttons to push to annoy me, then at the end of term two the little 4 yr old worked it out. Tears, tantrums and grizzles don't really annoy me, I can watch a child throw themselves on the floor in a shop and scream at the top of their lungs and know that I am doing the right thing by not giving in.
What really gets me annoyed is when a child intentionally does the wrong thing... twice. Then they look at you with this little smile and wait to see how you will react. I usually reacted badly, getting angry, removing privileges, toys, whatever. I never stopped to think why the child was doing this and what she was gaining.
After talking to a friend of mine, I realized what I should have realized before which is that the child had my undivided attention that lasted for as long as she rebelled. Then once she did as I had asked, I was usually so worn out I didn't give any positive reinforcement. After realizing this, I devised a plan of response for the next time we locked horns. My plan was to calmly state that she needed to do as I had asked (put on PJ's) before she was welcome to come out of her bedroom. Then ignore her completely until she had done as I had asked.
Helpfully when we next began to lock horns, I remembered the plan, gave her the PJ's and asked her to put them on then shut the door and left. There was a child doing EVERYTHING she could to get my attention, coming out, running away when I got up to get something, trying to tell me things, whinging, crying, and much much more. Suddenly I heard the cry change and she vanished, the next time she came out she had her PJ's on and we had a cuddle.
For her it was like missing a step in the dark, she expected me to push back but I wasn't there at all. When there is nothing to push against, you feel silly keeping on pushing.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Enough love for everyone but only one lap
This is following on from an earlier post, From the mouths of Babes. The day after the challenge mentioned, my parents and sister came for a visit. We had our long time reunion at a friends house while I was visiting with the kids. I explained the problem I had come across to my parents and waited expectantly for words of wisdom. I can't remember if there were any :)
After a while, the little girl comes in and crawls into my lap, I ask her if she wants a cuddle and she nods and snuggles down. Then my mother says "But Julia I wanted to sit on your lap" I said "Mum I love you very much but it is ... turn on my lap right now, there is not enough room for both of you."
She said "don't you love me" I explained again. Then Heather, my hilarious sister, said "Mum you can sit on my lap" Mum said "But I wanted to sit on Julia's lap" Heather said "Do you only love Julia? Don't you love me?" So mum got up and went and sat on Heather's lap.
She got it. She thinks my mother is silly because grown ups don't sit on laps, only children do, but she got it. Now I can explain that I have love like a swimming pool and just because someone else is in my lap, or having a carry, or whatever, doesn't mean I love her less.
After a while, the little girl comes in and crawls into my lap, I ask her if she wants a cuddle and she nods and snuggles down. Then my mother says "But Julia I wanted to sit on your lap" I said "Mum I love you very much but it is ... turn on my lap right now, there is not enough room for both of you."
She said "don't you love me" I explained again. Then Heather, my hilarious sister, said "Mum you can sit on my lap" Mum said "But I wanted to sit on Julia's lap" Heather said "Do you only love Julia? Don't you love me?" So mum got up and went and sat on Heather's lap.
She got it. She thinks my mother is silly because grown ups don't sit on laps, only children do, but she got it. Now I can explain that I have love like a swimming pool and just because someone else is in my lap, or having a carry, or whatever, doesn't mean I love her less.
It was my fault
Have you ever heard anyone say that? I may have but not often enough to figure in my memory. "I am sorry, I made a mistake and this has been my fault, can we work together to fix this?"
This statement takes a HUGE amount of courage and humility to say to another person, or even to admit to yourself. Since we don't want to be humiliated and potentially lose regard or even employment, we excuse ourselves and shift the spotlight onto others.
"I did everything I could but SHE didn't do her part" is heard far more often.
Sadly when said by a professional, highly educated person about a "lesser" (couldn't think of another word) there is not much the other person can do to convince people that this is not true.
Families can be ruined, lives can be destroyed by people who win the blame game and successfully pass the buck to another person.
Owning up to my part in a difficulty is hard, shameful, and scary, however it is also the Godly, courageous and loving thing to do. To risk your job, friendship, whatever by owning up and taking responsibility is a form of sacrificial love. Not like Jesus, he took responsibility for our disobedience, but in not passing it onto another, weaker party, still has an element of self sacrifice.
Not sure if that made sense :)
This statement takes a HUGE amount of courage and humility to say to another person, or even to admit to yourself. Since we don't want to be humiliated and potentially lose regard or even employment, we excuse ourselves and shift the spotlight onto others.
"I did everything I could but SHE didn't do her part" is heard far more often.
Sadly when said by a professional, highly educated person about a "lesser" (couldn't think of another word) there is not much the other person can do to convince people that this is not true.
Families can be ruined, lives can be destroyed by people who win the blame game and successfully pass the buck to another person.
Owning up to my part in a difficulty is hard, shameful, and scary, however it is also the Godly, courageous and loving thing to do. To risk your job, friendship, whatever by owning up and taking responsibility is a form of sacrificial love. Not like Jesus, he took responsibility for our disobedience, but in not passing it onto another, weaker party, still has an element of self sacrifice.
Not sure if that made sense :)
Thursday, August 9, 2012
From the Mouths of Babes
From the mouths of young children come brutal truths about the selfishness and shallowness of humanity. Today we had a 15 minute wait until one child began dancing and the rest of us went to karate. I let the middle child sit on my lap for the whole time, he is snuggly and comfortable and sits still. Also his primary love language is physical touch. He had been a bit grouchy lately so I was filling his love tank. His younger sister asked if she could sit on my lap. I explained there wasn't room for two and it was the other child's turn today. She continued to plead and towards the end began to cry real sad tears. When we left she said it was unfair that she had not had a go.
The whole time I was explaining that I loved both of them and that yesterday the younger child and I had some special time together.
After we got home she was slow and uncooperative and defiant and ended up going to bed in disgrace. After a few minutes I went in to make peace. I asked her if she knew why she was in trouble, then explained, she said sorry I forgave her. Then she reminded me it was unfair that I had cuddled her brother for the whole time. I asked if I had hurt her in her feelings and she nodded and cried again. I said I was very sorry and she forgave me, then tears continued for an hour. They were real, sad, hurt tears. During that hour I explained that I loved all 3 kids and the problem was love amount the problem was lap space. I asked her if I was allowed to love her brothers, she said "no, only love me" ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
I did not know where to go with that...
I think I need to explain how love works, each person does not have a teaspoonful of love and once it is gone there is none left. It is more like a hose, the more that comes out the more there is. Taking the analogy further, we could say that God is the water source of love and he never runs out and has plenty to share with EVERYONE.
At this juncture of the conversation her mother came in and I was rescued.
I did begin to wonder though if this is our secret attitude about our friends love for people other then us, our families love for people other then us and God's love for people other then us. Do we believe we are the only people worth loving and capable of love? That people we don't like for whatever reason should not be loved as deeply as us?
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Love Language
5 Love Languages, if you are not familiar with them, are Words of Affirmation (meaningful compliments), Physical Touch, Quality Time, Acts of Service and Gifts. People speak different love languages and if two people speak different love languages in a relationship, then both people can feel that they are being unloved.
The same is true for children, they also have primary love languages. All love languages need to be spoken to children, but they have a main one that speaks love clearly. You can use the primary love language of an adult or child to either build them up and fill them, or crush them to the ground. For a words child, teasing and criticism will crush him, for a quality time child, unhappy separation will will make them feel rejected, for the physical touch child physical disciplines like smacking will crush them.
When a child has been unmanageable for long enough, I finally realize the problem may be an empty long tank. I realized this last week regarding the little girl I care for. She was frustratingly disobedient and defiant or just pretending she didn't hear or that slowly moving in the wrong direction was pretty much obedience. This had been going for maybe 2 weeks before I twigged and realized her love tank was probably empty. I was not entirely sure what her love language was but I figured it out pretty quickly when I mentioned the possibility of "girl time". Apparently her love language is quality time and then physical touch. Unfortunately to fill her tank she needed more then the 1 or 2 hours she got a couple of times a week. I spent lots of Friday with her and all of Wednesday with her just doing things, we cleaned out the freezer and took a load of junk to the op shop. Her love tank filled up and she was happy again. Also I remembered that I like her as well. Mine is quality time so we go well together.
The challenge is keeping 3 children's love tanks full when they speak different languages and drag on your focus at different times. Now it is the 5 yr old's turn, I need to work out his and fill him up because he has become grouchy and unhelpful. I am pretty sure it is physical touch though.
The same is true for children, they also have primary love languages. All love languages need to be spoken to children, but they have a main one that speaks love clearly. You can use the primary love language of an adult or child to either build them up and fill them, or crush them to the ground. For a words child, teasing and criticism will crush him, for a quality time child, unhappy separation will will make them feel rejected, for the physical touch child physical disciplines like smacking will crush them.
When a child has been unmanageable for long enough, I finally realize the problem may be an empty long tank. I realized this last week regarding the little girl I care for. She was frustratingly disobedient and defiant or just pretending she didn't hear or that slowly moving in the wrong direction was pretty much obedience. This had been going for maybe 2 weeks before I twigged and realized her love tank was probably empty. I was not entirely sure what her love language was but I figured it out pretty quickly when I mentioned the possibility of "girl time". Apparently her love language is quality time and then physical touch. Unfortunately to fill her tank she needed more then the 1 or 2 hours she got a couple of times a week. I spent lots of Friday with her and all of Wednesday with her just doing things, we cleaned out the freezer and took a load of junk to the op shop. Her love tank filled up and she was happy again. Also I remembered that I like her as well. Mine is quality time so we go well together.
The challenge is keeping 3 children's love tanks full when they speak different languages and drag on your focus at different times. Now it is the 5 yr old's turn, I need to work out his and fill him up because he has become grouchy and unhelpful. I am pretty sure it is physical touch though.
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