Trusted and Trustworthy

I never realized how much easier it is to care for kids when they trust you to do what is best/right and they trust you to love them. I realized the other day that the eldest of the children I care for doesn't trust me to know or do what is best. He goes along with what I say because he feels he has no choice, but he doesn't trust me. The younger two trust me and seem to have an easier time of it. When they are in trouble, the conversation about why and the consequence can be brief, they admit they were in the wrong and say sorry and we make up. The eldest though argues and fights, explains his point, feels unjustly done by about EVERYTHING, complains to his mum about me and even begins defending himself before he gets into trouble (this is especially annoying when it was clearly an accident and I am not going to growl at him.)

I don't think I am so unpredictable that I fly off the handle randomly and with no warning over silly little mistakes. I do get annoyed by mistakes from being silly, or repeated mistakes. Also some mistakes lead to more work on my part which can make it hard to be objective. However the younger two don't feel the need to walk on eggshells.

I used to think it was a manipulation thing, now I think it is a trust thing. He feels like he has to be in charge of himself, his siblings and even his parents and me. Because he is a child he needs to use manipulative strategies to control us all. Being manipulated and played against each other irritates me, it will irritate his siblings and will irritate his friends at school if he is also bossing them around. I think it is stressing him out to feel in charge and to not trust that I am responsible for all the kids well being, including his. I feel that in all his parenting worries, he is forgetting to be a child. He can't relax, if he is happy he is high as a kite. If he is sensible he is serious and anxious to please. Because he is so anxious to please, he gets VERY distressed when he feels that I am not pleased, and especially so when he gets in trouble. Or even just reminded about responsibilities. Or reminded to be sensible.

I am going to work on, in conjunction with his parents, that he is responsible only for his actions, obedience and possessions. He is not responsible for other peoples wellbeing or happiness (not to intentionally make them unhappy, but he doesn't need to please or manipulate others into being happy). When I am disciplining either of the others, I will keep his input out of it. He will be free to tell his parents if something is bothering him but if it is me that is bothering him, he needs to tell me about it. That way it is not dobbing. If his mother needs to talk to me, he does not need to also tell me the same thing. Also the other way around.

This will be a long project and hopefully we see some long term improvement in himself and his confidence and childhood