love languages

Caring for children becomes 10 times easier if they know we love them. This means we need to show and tell them that we love them. Unfortunately the way we speak or show love may not be the way they receive or hear love. For example if my primary love language is quality time and my dad's primary love language is gifts, he may buy me a present and I will receive it but still feel unloved even though that is his way of demonstrating love. There is a book called the 5 love languages and the writer talks about them as like foreign languages. We all receive and need all 5 but we have one particular language that we need spoken to us so we can know we are loved.

The 5 languages are 1) Physical touch, these are people who need hugs, kisses, hair brushed, massages, holding hands, sitting on laps (if they are children) anything touchy, obviously. 2) Words of affirmation, these are people who like to hear people tell them why they are liked, what it is they do well, and simply that they are lovable. 3) Quality time, these are people who want to go for walks, talk, watch movies together, spend time as the focus of your attention. 4) Acts of service, these are people who love it when people do things for them or help them to do things. 5) Gifts, to feel loved, a small token of affection, like a shell from the sea or a special pebble or a little present will tell this person they are loved.

I have now cared for 8 children over two years and with each of these children I have found it valuable to work out their love language and to learn to speak it. The first child, 4, was words of affirmation, I worked this out when he kept praising me and saying "good girl Julia". I had to learn to speak the language of words and he opened up and became a much easier and open child to live with. The next four kids were last year and I only worked out the younger 3 kids, and even one of them I had wrong until the end. The 11 yr old I accidentally found out was words of affirmation, I found this out when she improved after I began saying thank you for when she did things. The 9 yr old was harder, I thought it was acts of service initially but then I worked out that she was doing that to earn her mothers love. Her mothers was clearly acts of service. I think the child's was Quality time and physical touch. The 7yr old was quality time. He was easy to work out.

This year I was having difficulty enjoying the oldest child. I thought for a while one night and realized his primary love language was gifts. This posed a problem for me because giving children lots of presents goes against my nature. I am not a gifts person. Anyway dad suggested writing little notes and leaving them in his room. I write a whole page of them and I have been putting them in his room spontaneously and randomly. They say things like "Dear ... I love you and I love how you look after your brother and sister. Love Julia" He almost immediately became a pleasure to be around, partly my attitude changed, but mainly he knew he was loved. I also worked out the other two, they are words and quality time. All 3 of them have physical touch and words of affirmation as their second and third languages.

Working out the love languages of children makes their lives and your life MUCH easier